


My New Dream

by SlytherinPirate



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Bart and Ken are in the Mexican Funeral because why not, M/M, Straight up combining the plots of Tangled and season 1 of dghda, Tangled Crossover, the violence tag is for one chapter late in the fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-08-14 16:16:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 23,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20195101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlytherinPirate/pseuds/SlytherinPirate
Summary: Icarus is a boy with magical flowing blonde hair that glows when he sings, and a dream of one day becoming a detective. But his father has kept him locked in a tower all his life so that bad people don’t come and try to use him for his power.Meanwhile, Todd Brotzman and his band of bandits, Mexican Funeral, have stolen a mysterious machine from King Patrick that is said to hold immense value.And to top it all off, Princess Lydia has gone missing.Basically, the Tangled AU that nobody asked for.





	1. Once Upon A Time

**Author's Note:**

> This is my Big Bang fic for this year!  
It's not finished yet unfortunately, because I literally just moved halfway across the world and I'm insanely busy right now. So keep an eye out for future chapters!  
Big thanks to intricatecakes.tumblr.com for being an awesome beta, and benjiedrawings.tumblr.com for providing the absolutely stunning artwork!

This is the story about how Todd Brotzman died.

Don’t worry. This is actually a very fun story. And the truth is, Todd Brotzman isn’t even the main character.

This is a story about a boy named Icarus.

And it starts with the sun.

Once upon a time, a single drop of sunlight fell from the heavens. And from this small drop of sun grew a magic, golden flower. It had the ability to heal the sick, and injured.

The flower was found by a secret organization by the name of Blackwing, and for centuries the organization studied the flower and the properties it possessed, keeping its gifts to themselves. They discovered that the flower’s gifts would be activated when a special song was sung.

_ Flower, gleam and glow. _

_ Let your power shine. _

_ Make the clock reverse. _

_ Bring back what once was mine. _

_ Heal what has been hurt. _

_ Change the Fates’ design. _

_ Save what has been lost. _

_ Bring back what once was mine, what once was mine. _

The flower remained in the spot that Blackwing had found it, however, for uprooting the plant ran too high a risk of losing its power. 

One day, a man from a nearby village stumbled upon the flower, and a hunch from the Universe told him that he should bring it back to his pregnant wife, who was very sick. He picked the flower, brought it back home, and made it into a soup that his wife drank. 

The magic of the flower healed the man’s wife, and a healthy baby boy was born with beautiful golden hair. For that one moment, everything was perfect.

And then that moment ended.

Blackwing discovered that the flower had transferred its gifts into the child. They raided the family’s home one night, slaughtered the man and wife, and took the baby. 

The baby boy was passed into the care of one of Blackwing’s leaders, a man named Colonel Riggins, who then named the boy Icarus. Deep within the forest, in a hidden tower, Riggins raised Icarus as his own, continuing the research that Blackwing had done on the flower, now on the boy’s golden hair. 


	2. When Will My Life Begin?

18 YEARS LATER

A small kitten ran out onto the window ledge and scampered behind a potted plant. Seconds later, the window doors burst open and a head peeked out, long blonde hair falling gently onto the windowsill.

“Ha!” 

The boy to whom the head belonged grinned as his eyes roamed the ledge. Smirking slightly, he straightened up and pushed his hair out of his face.

“Hmmm.” He shrugged, letting out a soft sigh. “Well, I guess Jaws isn’t hiding out here,” he said, his voice loud and over exaggerated as he began slowly sauntering back inside the tower.

The small kitten stretched her tail up confidently, having successfully avoided being found by her playmate. That confidence was quickly shot, however, when she was suddenly plucked from her hiding place from above, the boy with whom she had been playing Hide and Seek with holding her by the scruff of her neck.

“Gotcha!” exclaimed Icarus in triumph, as Jaws the kitten let out a startled meow. “That’s twenty-two for me,” said Icarus, placing Jaws back on the windowsill. “How about twenty-three out of forty-five?” he asked, placing his hands on his hips and raising a challenging eyebrow at the kitten. 

Jaws merely swiped a paw at Icarus, who sighed as he moved his hand out of Jaws’ reach. 

“Okay,” said Icarus. “Well, what do you want to do?” He sat on the ledge, looking inquiringly at Jaws. Jaws looked up at Icarus, then turned her head to look outside. “Yeah, I don’t think so,” said Icarus, amused. “I like it in here, and so do you.”

Jaws meowed indignantly at him. 

“Oh, come on, Jaws,” said Icarus with a warm smile, reaching down to pet the cat. “It’s not so bad in there.” He stood up, looking at the clock on his bedside table. It was seven o’clock in the morning, meaning it was time to start on his chores.

He went downstairs into the living room and opened the broom closet, pulling out a broom and dustpan and getting to work. He started with his own bedroom, then moved on to the bathroom, the kitchen, the dining room, his father’s room, and then finally the living room. 

Next, he polished the silverware. Then, waxed the floors. Then, laundry. Then, mopping. Then one last sweep and as soon as he was finished, he looked at the clock again.

_ Only 7:15? That must be a new record, _ he thought. He wondered if he could get his time down to ten minutes. A task for tomorrow, he supposed. For now, though, he could do what he pleased, and so he decided to start with the thing that pleased him the most out of anything. 

He rushed to his bookshelf and was immediately met with a choice. There were three books in front of him, all from the same series about Icarus’ favorite fictional character of all time, a detective by the name of Dirk Gently. Icarus positively adored detective novels, but he had read the Dirk Gently series countless times; he could never seem to tire of them. The question was, then, which book should he read now?  _ Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul,  _ or  _ The Salmon of Doubt _ ? Icarus pondered for a few moments before simply deciding to take all three of them from the shelf.

After reading the books for the umpteenth time, Icarus looked around for the next thing to do.

Walking back into the living room, he spotted the place on the wall where he had left off painting the day before. He had been painting a picture of himself on the wall, and had gone to sleep before he could paint his clothes. So, he got out his paint set and got to work. 

After he had finished, he decided he wanted to jam, so he got out his bass guitar and played a couple of songs from this band his father had let him listen to once, some obscure group called the Mexican Funeral.

Being the kind of person who got bored incredibly easily, Icarus soon tired of jamming and decided to work on his knitting project: a scarf for his father, for when it got cold out (even though it was currently summer, it never hurt to be prepared).

Soon, his stomach started rumbling, so Icarus headed to the kitchen to make himself some lunch. As he was waiting for his pie to bake (when his father wasn’t home, he could eat whatever he liked for lunch), he couldn’t help but wonder, however, when would his life begin?

Then after lunch he did a puzzle, played some darts, and baked some cookies for when his father got home. 

After that, he did some paper mache, a bit of ballet, and chess. Then pottery and ventriloquy, and candle-making. 

Then he stretched for a bit, sketched for a bit, used his long hair as a climbing rope (that’s how he knew he was truly bored), and worked on the little vest he had been sewing for Jaws. 

Feeling like he wanted to relax now, he lounged in bed with his  _ Dirk Gently _ books again, leafing through the pages, his eyes going over each word lovingly, taking in the adventures that he hoped and dreamed he would one day have. Then, when he felt like his eyes couldn’t take any more, he got out his paint set again and tried to find a corner of the walls that he hadn’t already painted. 

By the time he was done with that, it was getting quite late in the afternoon, and his father was going to be home soon. That meant that he had to do his last chore of the day, which also happened to be his least favorite, as it was by far the most tedious. He had to brush his hair. His long, long, long, long,  _ long  _ long hair. He looked around at the trail of blonde hair behind him and sighed, resigning to go and get out his brush.

About 70 feet of hair later, Icarus walked back over to his windowsill. A strange feeling was starting to come over him. A strange feeling that something important was going to happen very, very soon. It was funny, Icarus thought idly, that this thought should coincide with his birthday, which was coming up tomorrow. He was planning on asking his father for more detective books, but maybe the Universe had something else in mind for him. 


	3. Thievery and Kidnapping

9 HOURS EARLIER

Todd scaled down the side of the roof, followed by Bart and Ken. As quietly as they could, the bandit group (and actual band) the Mexican Funeral parkoured across the towers of the castle, headed for the roof of the room they were sure held it. The machine that King Patrick guarded so carefully, and was said to be valuable enough that after this job, they would never need to take another one. One right after the other, the three bandits jumped from tower to tower. Todd in the lead with Bart, their absolutely batshit feral drummer, and Ken, their meticulous and easily scared bassist, bringing up the rear.

After finally landing on the right roof, Todd’s eyes found a guard who was patrolling down below. He watched her until she went out of sight, and he hoped that she wouldn’t be a problem in their plan. Then, his eyes lifted to behold the sight in front of him. He could see the entire city from where he was standing, all the rolling hills and beautiful houses, and it took his breath away.

“Wow,” he said with a smile. “I could get used to a view like this.”

“Yo, dude,” came a gravelly from behind him that Todd knew for sure was Bart. “Come on. We gotta steal the thing.”

“Hold on,” Todd said, holding his hand up to silence the drummer, to which Bart narrowed her eyes dangerously. “Yep,” Todd said finally, standing back and putting his hands on his hips. “I’m used to it. Guys, I want a castle.”

“If we do this job, you can buy your own castle,” said Ken, raising his eyebrows in exasperation, speaking as though Todd was a toddler (ha, Toddler) and walking over to grab him by the back of his shirt to get him to come with them.

\------------------------------------

“So we’re gonna get in there, and kill whoever’s guarding the thing, and then we’re gonna take it!” 

Gordon Rimmer paced down his line of bald thugs, his hands motioning wildly as he spoke. 

“That machine is ours! And when we get it, Remy won’t be the one holding all the power anymore.”

“When you are in control can I be a panther?” one of the thugs asked, tilting his bald head to the side, his eyes wide and ominously curious. Rimmer walked up to him and looked him in the eyes, peeking over the top of his glasses.

“You,” he said pointing an emphasizing finger at the thug’s chest. “Will be a panther. You will be a panther, Ed. Now…” He turned to the rest of the men. “Are you ready?”

There came a chorus of yes’s from the group, all of them nodding their heads and looking around at each other.

“Then why aren’t you going into action?” Rimmer shouted, waving his arms about. “Get moving!”

The thugs spurred into action, brandishing their scissor swords. 

Two of them shoved open the doors to the palace room where the machine was being held, and Rimmer strode in confidently.

“Stop right there!” The woman guarding the machine took out her scissor sword and held it up threateningly. 

“Farah Black, King Patrick’s own personal guard dog,” Rimmer said. “Great to meet you. Get her!” 

Two of the thugs charged at Farah, raising their scissor swords. Farah blocked them easily and cut them down with rapid strikes, only to be met with two more thugs right afterwards.

Through all the fighting, none of them noticed a lone person dropping down slowly from the ceiling on a tether. It wasn’t until Rimmer walked up to the podium to get the machine, that he discovered that it wasn’t there.

“The machine is gone!” he yelled, looking around wildly. 

“What?” Farah stopped fighting just as the thugs stopped as well, all of them turning in Rimmer’s direction. Farah looked from Rimmer, to the podium, then up, and her eyes found Todd, suspended from the ceiling, clutching the machine in his arms.

“Oh, shit,” Todd said as he locked eyes with Farah. 

Farah and Rimmer both ran and jumped in an attempt to catch Todd, but Ken and Bart were up on the roof working hard to pull Todd up as quickly as they could.

“Uh, see you never, I hope,” Todd yelled down to them as he was pulled up. 

Farah, as well as Rimmer and his thugs, abandoned their fight and ran out of the castle in pursuit of the thief, Farah jumping on the back of a horse and riding ahead of her adversaries. 

“He’s gone!” Rimmer yelled in frustration, coming to a stop on the edge of the palace grounds. “He took the damn machine!”

“What are you doing? Who are you guys? Where did Farah go?”

Rimmer looked around at Princess Lydia, who had just arrived on the scene and was glancing fearfully around at all the thugs. It gave Rimmer an idea, a devious little idea.

“Well, if we can’t have the machine, let’s not leave empty handed. Take her!” he barked at his men. 

“No!” Lydia shouted as she was immediately surrounded and grabbed. “Let me go!” She kicked and fought, but the thugs managed to tie her up and drag her back to their carriage. Rimmer followed them, smirking all the while.

“If Farah Black gets the machine back from that thief, we might be able to make a little trade with King Patrick,” he said, a malicious grin spreading across his face.

\---------------------------------

“Couldn’t you see me in a castle of my own?” Todd shouted to his fellow bandits as they ran across the bridge leading out of town and into the forest. “‘Cause I definitely can. All the things we’ve seen, and it’s only eight in the morning! Guys, this is a very big day!”


	4. Father Knows Best

“This, this is a very big day, Jaws,” Icarus said as he packed away his paints in anticipation of his father’s return to the tower. He pushed the box of paints into the corner where it belonged and picked up the kitten. “The new  _ Dirk Gently _ book came out today! So I’m gonna ask him! I’m gonna ask Father to get it for me for my birthday!”

“Icarus!” came a voice from far away, below the tower. “Let down your hair!”

Icarus grinned at Jaws.

“It’s time!” he said, setting Jaws back down on the floor. Jaws meowed warningly at Icarus. “I know, I know,” Icarus said, ushering Jaws behind a nearby curtain. “Don’t let him see you.” 

“Icarus?” called the voice again. “I’m not getting any younger down here!” The voice sounded gruff, and annoyed. 

“Coming, Father!” Icarus yelled back out the window. He put his long hair over a hook near the top of the window and threw the rest down to his father. Riggins pulled the hair up around his foot so he was more or less standing on it, then held on tightly as Icarus pulled him up.

“Hi,” Icarus said cheerfully as Riggins stepped through the window and into the tower. “Welcome home, Father.”

“Icarus,” said Riggins curtly as he straightened out his tunic. “Thank you once again, you’ve performed your duties well. I assume you’ve done all your chores?”

“Of course, Father,” said Icarus, stepping back as Riggins walked past him into the room.

“Next time, though, try not to keep me waiting.”

“Yes, Father.”

Riggins smiled warmly at Icarus, who smiled back, grateful for his father’s approval. Riggins then walked over to his desk and sat down with a small grunt, putting on his glasses and picking up some papers to read.

“So, Father,” said Icarus, following him over. “As you know, tomorrow is a very big day…” 

Riggins glanced up at Icarus, looking at him over his glasses. With a low sigh, he took his glasses off and stood back up, walking around his desk and over to Icarus.

“Son, look in the mirror,” he said, gesturing to the full-length mirror on the wall next to them. “You know what I see? I see a young man who has the potential to be a strong and hardworking individual.”

Icarus smiled, his heart filling to hear his father complimenting him like this.

“The key word here is ‘potential,’” Riggins said. “A real man wouldn’t spend all his time painting and doing these whimsical activities that you do all day.” Icarus’ face fell. “You need to start training yourself more, mind and body.” 

“Right,” said Icarus, frowning slightly. “So Father, as I was saying, tomorrow is--”

“Icarus, care for an experiment?” Riggins said, turning back to face Icarus. “I’ve brought a dead flower from outside, and I want to see how fast you can heal it. I’ll even let you keep it afterwards.” Riggins smiled.

“Oh! Of course, Father,” said Icarus, wanting to get this over with so they could get back to their conversation. “Is it in your bag?” he asked, already at the desk and looking through it. Riggins raised an eyebrow as Icarus hastily retrieved the flower from the pouch it had been in and placed it on the desk, draping a bit of his hair over it.

“ _ Flower gleam and glow, let your power shine, make the clock reverse, bring back what once was mine, _ ” Icarus sang extremely quickly, his hair lighting up with a luminous golden glow. “ _ Heal what has been hurt, change the fate’s design, save what has been lost, bring back what once was mine. _ ” Through Icarus’ quick-paced singing, the flower lying underneath his hair sprung vivaciously back to life. Icarus removed his hair from where it lay on top of the flower and smiled at Riggins, who still had his eyebrow raised. “So, Father,” he said, bouncing back over to Riggins. “Earlier I was saying that tomorrow is a really big day and you didn’t really respond, so I’m just going to tell you, it’s my birthday! Ta-da!” Icarus held his arms out triumphantly, smiling hopefully at Riggins. 

The corners of Riggins mouth turned up into an amused smile.

“Well, that can’t be. I distinctly remember, your birthday was last year,” he said, crossing his arms.

“Well, that’s the funny thing about birthdays,” Icarus said with a shrug. “They’re kind of an annual thing.” He stood back and rubbed his arm nervously. “So, I wanted to ask--”

“You know, the strangest thing happened today,” Riggins said, walking over to the kitchen. Icarus followed him as he started to pour himself some tea. “I heard that apparently, Princess Lydia has gone missing. Taken right out of the palace grounds. I know you like hearing about the goings on in town.”

Icarus stopped in his tracks, his eyes wide.

The princess was missing? This… this was a  _ case! _ A real detective case that needed to be solved! Suddenly he had a different request for his birthday.

“Father,” he said, taking a cautious step closer. “You know, I am turning eighteen this year, and what I want… What I  _ really  _ want for this birthday…” He started nervously playing with his hair. “And actually well, for my whole entire life pretty much,” he mumbled, glancing away.

Riggins looked up at Icarus, his brow furrowed.

“Don’t mumble, Icarus, nobody can understand you and it’s immature.” Riggins went back to his tea, pouring a bit of sugar into his cup. Icarus glanced around at Jaws, who was in the corner of the room. Jaws blinked slowly at Icarus, encouraging him to be brave. Icarus swallowed nervously, then turned back to Riggins.

“I want to solve the case!” he exclaimed, finally. Riggins stopped stirring his tea and looked up at him.

“What?”

“Well, I was hoping you could help me solve the case! Of the missing princess, Princess Lydia!” Icarus smiled hopefully. “You know how I’ve always hoped and dreamed about being a real detective, like in my books!” 

“Your Dick Bently books, you mean?”

“Dirk Gently. And yes, exactly like that!” Icarus bounced on his heels excitedly. “And since I’m an adult now, I think this is perfect timing! This can be my first case!”

“You want to go outside,” Riggins said, getting up and walking towards the window. Icarus nodded enthusiastically. “Oh, Icarus,” he said, closing the window. “Look at you.” He walked back to where Icarus was still standing and looked him up and down. “You’re not exactly, well, strong. And you’re still really just a child. You know why we stay up in this tower, right?”

“I know, but--”

“That’s right,” Riggins said, holding his hands behind his back and surveying Icarus. “To keep you safe and sound.” He walked slowly over to one of the other windows. “I guess I always knew this day was coming.” He closed the curtains, blocking the sunlight from getting inside. “I knew you’d someday want to leave the nest. Soon, but not yet.” He looked back at Icarus.

“But--”

“Trust me, son. Father knows best.” He stepped closer to Icarus. “Listen to your father, son. It’s a scary world out there. One way or another, something will go wrong. Come here, I want to show you something.” 

Icarus followed him over to his desk, where from a drawer he extracted a book that looked homemade. Riggins opened it to the first page, and Icarus saw a terrifying image of a few punk rock-looking vampires.

“Rowdy thugs,” Riggins said, looking seriously at Icarus. He turned the page. “Purple people-eaters…” And turned the page again. “Evil wizards.” Another page turn. “Deranged witches.” With every page turn, the images got scarier and scarier, causing Icarus’ heart to beat quickly. “Men with crossbows.” Again. “Terrifying mental diseases.”

“No!” Icarus shouted, tearing his eyes away from the image of a person catching fire, though the description noted that it was all in their mind.

“Yes,” Riggins said sadly. “People who can turn into anything they want.” He turned the page again. “Dirty women with murderous intent.” He looked up at Icarus. “You see now?” Icarus looked at him, scared.

“I see,” he said, quietly. Riggins straightened up and smiled at him. 

“I’m right here, and I’ll protect you. On your own you won’t survive.” He waved a hand up and down, gesturing at Icarus clothes and physique, causing Icarus to look down at himself. “You’re sloppy, underdressed, immature, clumsy, I mean, son, they’ll eat you up alive.” Icarus frowned. “Gullible, naive, ditzy and a bit, well, vague.” Icarus looked at the ground, his cheeks tinged pink with embarrassment. “You know I’m only saying this because I love you, son.” Icarus nodded, still not looking at Riggins. “You know I understand,” Riggins said, stepping closer to Icarus. “I’m here to help you. All I have is one request.” He raised a hand to lift Icarus’ chin so that the boy looked him in the eyes. Icarus’ eyes met Riggins, and they were filled with unspilled tears. Riggins smiled softly at him. “Icarus.”

“Yes?” Icarus asked, quietly.

“Don’t ever ask to leave this tower again.”

Icarus hung his head sadly.

“Yes, Father.”

“I love you, son.”

“I love you more.”

“I love you most.”

Icarus smiled up at Riggins, who smiled back.

“What did I tell you, Icarus?” Riggins asked.

“Father knows best,” Icarus replied.

“There’s a good boy.” Riggins walked back over to the window entrance and opened it again. “I’m going out to get ingredients for dinner.” 

Icarus used his hair to help Riggins lower himself from the tower.

“I’ll see you in just a bit, son,” Riggins called up to him as he descended.

“I’ll be here,” Icarus said, quietly.


	5. Rapunzel

Todd ran through the trees, panting and struggling to keep up with Bart and Ken, when something tacked to the tree to his left made him stop in his tracks. He gasped as he saw the wanted posters, one of Bart and Ken looking more or less like them, and then right above it, one that bore his own face.

“Oh no,” he said, his body filling with dread as he took his own wanted poster from the tree and examined it more closely. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “No, no, no, no, no. This is bad, this is very, very bad. This is really bad!”

Bart and Ken, who had stopped in their tracks as well, looked back at Todd. Ken had his arms crossed, his eyebrow raised, and Bart merely stood there, staring at Todd. Todd turned the poster over to show them the horrible thing he had found.

“They just can’t get my nose right!” he said.

“Who cares?” said Bart, her voice completely deadpan. 

“Well it’s easy for you to say,” Todd said indignantly. He looked back at the poster of Bart and Ken that was still tacked to the tree. “You guys look amazing.”

The neighing of a horse caused all three of them to look over at the hill that was a little ways off. Farah had caught up to them, her face set in a determined frown. Seeing the three bandits, she spurred her horse into a rear and took off after them. Todd shoved the wanted poster he held into the satchel that contained the machine they had just stolen and ran after Bart and Ken, who had both bolted at the sight of Farah. 

“Why can’t I just kill that lady?” Bart asked Ken as they ran.

“Do you feel like killing her?” Ken asked.

“Well… No.”

“Then that’s why.”

The three of them ran until they came to a rock formation that blocked their paths. There was no way around it; the only way to go was over. 

“Alright, okay,” said Todd, walking over and putting his hand on the rock, trying to quickly formulate a plan. “Give me a boost, then I’ll pull you up.” He turned back to Bart and Ken, who were looking at him incredulously.

“Give us the satchel first,” said Ken, holding out his hand. His lips were pursed impatiently, and his eyes narrowed. Todd let out an offended gasp.

“I just-- I can’t believe that after all we’ve been through together, as a band and everything, you don’t trust me?” He put a hand over his heart, hurt by their words. Bart and Ken merely looked at him, unamused. “Ouch,” said Todd. He took off the satchel and handed it to Ken with a resigned sigh. Then, Bart stood at the bottom of the rock formation while Ken climbed on top of her, and then finally, Todd, being the shortest, climbed up them both and reached the top. 

“Now help us up, Brotzman,” Ken barked at him, reaching a hand up to Todd. 

“Sorry,” Todd said with a shrug. “My hands are full.” He held up the satchel he had snatched from Ken and grinned at them before taking off into the woods and leaving them behind. He could hear Ken bellowing his name as he ran, which only made him run faster. Man, those two were going to be so pissed if they ever caught up to him. He just had to make sure that they never did. 

Todd ran and ran, and suddenly he ran right into Farah on her horse and now she was right on his tail. He didn’t know how the hell he was going to outrun a horse with his short legs, but damn it, he was going to try. He saw a long vine hanging from a tree up ahead and he grabbed it at full speed, allowing it to swing him up and away from Farah. He let go somewhere around the middle and it propelled him even further away, deeper into the forest. He landed on his butt and skidded a few feet before coming to a stop. He panted, his heart beating fast, and looked up to see a corgi standing in front of him. 

“Um, hi?” Todd said. The corgi looked at the satchel in Todd’s hand and started barking. Then, suddenly, she made a grab for it with her teeth. “What the-- no!” Todd shouted, yanking the satchel out of the corgi’s reach and standing up. The corgi jumped for the satchel and latched onto it, and now they were essentially playing tug-of-war. “Give! It! To me!” Todd yelled, trying desperately to pull the bag out of the corgi’s ironlike grip. Suddenly, the force from both sides made the satchel fly out from between them and land precariously on a tree branch protruding from the cliff next to them. 

Todd and the corgi both raced over onto the branch, and the corgi tripped Todd so he fell and was now hanging onto the branch from upside down. Todd crawled along the branch as fast as he could, and his long limbs and opposable thumbs won out as he reached out and grabbed the satchel before the corgi could grab it with her mouth.

“Ha!” Todd yelled as the corgi barked angrily at him. Suddenly they heard a sickening crack, and the tree branch shook. “Uh oh.”

And then they were falling, down and down the cliff. The branch broke on a rock that was jutting out of the cliff about two-thirds of the way down, so Todd and the corgi flew off in different directions, both landing on the ground in the forest below.

The corgi stood up and started sniffing the ground, looking for Todd, who peeked out from behind a rock as the corgi passed him. Knowing that he would need a better place to hide, he began inching along the cliff face, near some vines that were growing on it. When he reached the vines, however, he found that there was no rock behind them, but a cave instead. He entered the cave and saw light coming from the opposite side, so he headed that way. Then, upon exiting the cave again, he saw a tower.

Figuring that this was the perfect place to hide, especially seeing that there didn’t seem to be any stairs and he doubted that the corgi could climb, Todd rushed over to the tower and used two arrows to climb up, sticking them into the crevices between the tower stones and hoisting himself up one by one. 

When he finally made it all the way to the top, he jumped in through the open window and closed it behind him, panting. He straightened up, took off his satchel, opened it, and was relieved to find the machine still there.

“Alone at last,” he said with a smile.

Then he suddenly felt a searing pain in the back of his head, and everything went black.


	6. Skeletons In The Closet

Icarus connected the frying pan to the back of the stranger’s skull and let out a small shriek as the man fell to the floor, landing with a loud  _ thud.  _ Icarus quickly ran to hide behind a nearby chair and peered out cautiously to see if the man was still conscious. The man, Icarus was relieved to find, lay stock still, face down on the floor. Icarus stepped out from behind the chair and moved very slowly closer, holding his frying pan out at arms length to defend himself if necessary. He moved closer, closer, and closer until his frying pan softly touched the back of the man's head. He poked it a couple times, and got no response. He glanced next to him at Jaws, who merely cocked her head to the side curiously. Icarus looked back at the man and gingerly turned his head over so that he could see the man's face.

The man had... actually quite a sweet face, Icarus found. His jaw was square and his nose pointed, and he had a bit of stubble ghosting his chin.

Icarus lowered his frying pan as he gazed intently at the man's face, taking in all of his features in apt curiosity.

Suddenly, the man's eyes opened. Icarus screeched again and slammed the frying pan back down onto his head, effectively knocking him out once more.

Quickly, he formulated a plan. Or, sort of a plan. Well, half, really. Either way, Icarus wrapped locks of his hair around the man's body and dragged him over to the closet.

Now, how to fit him inside...

He opened the closet door and tried to shove the man in feet first.

This... did not work.

Then, he tried wrapping the man up in his hair again, climbing up onto the rafters in the room, and swinging the man Tarzan-style into the closet.

This worked... sort of. Except for the fact that Icarus' hair was now stuck in the closet. He opened the door to get his hair out and now the man was, thankfully, in the closet, but he was upside-down, and his head, arms, and legs were all stuck out. Icarus sighed and crossed his arms, trying to figure out how to solve this puzzle.

He tried turning the man right-side up and put him into a standing position inside the closet.

This worked for about two seconds before the man fell out of the closet and on top of Icarus, who fell down with a muffled scream.

Next, he tried using a broom as a tool to push the man back inside the closet, and it worked! Except for the fingers that were now stuck in the closet door.

Icarus made an expression as if to say "eek," and pushed the fingers one by one back into the closet. Then, he quickly got the chair he had been hiding behind earlier and pushed it up against the closet door so that the man wouldn't fall out again.

"Did it!" he yelled in triumph, waving his arm to the side and snapping his fingers. "Okay. I've got a person in my closet," he said, his face slightly draining of color as he slowly realized the gravity of his situation. "I've got a person, in my closet..." His eyes widened, his heart beating fast. "I've got a  _ person  _ in my  _ closet _ !" He laughed victoriously, astounded by what he had done. "Too weak to handle myself out there, huh, Father?" He grinned and swung his frying pan around in his hand. "Well, tell that to my frying pa— ouch!" Icarus stumbled a little as he accidentally bopped himself on the head with the pan.

Rubbing his head, he looked down and saw a satchel that the man had brought with him and dropped when Icarus had hit him.

Opening the satchel, he discovered a strange object. He took it out completely and examined it thoughtfully.

The base of the thing was wooden, and there was a dial on the side that was connected to little mechanical thingamabobs and two golden whatchamacallits. It also had three small light bulbs, and a silver metal part in the middle that Icarus couldn't even begin to describe. It looked like a machine of some sort, but what on Earth did it do?

"Icarus! Let down your hair!"

Icarus jumped, startled, at the sound of his father's voice. He shoved the machine back into the satchel and put it into a nearby unused pot before running over to the window.

"One moment, Father!"

"I have a big surprise!" Riggins called up to him.

"Er, I do too!" Icarus called back as he draped his hair over the hook.

"I bet my surprise is bigger!" Riggins said with a smile.

"I seriously doubt it," Icarus whispered to himself as he pulled Riggins up.

Riggins smiled warmly at Icarus as he stepped onto the window ledge.

"I brought back parsnips," he said. "I'm going to make hazelnut soup for dinner, your favorite. Surprise, son."

"Well, Father, there's something I want to tell you," said Icarus, stepping back towards the closet.

"Icarus, you know I hate leaving you after a fight, especially when I haven't done anything wrong," Riggins said, walking over to the kitchen to put the parsnips on the table.

"Okay!" said Icarus. "I've been thinking a lot about what you said earlier, and—"

"I hope you're not still talking about that missing princess," Riggins said with a frown.

"Yes, I'm leading up to that—"

"I really thought we dropped the issue, son."

"No, Father, I'm just saying, you think I'm not strong enough to handle myself out there—"

"Oh, I know you're not strong enough to handle yourself out there."

"But if you just—"

"Icarus, we're done talking about this."

"Trust me—"

"Icarus."

"I know what I'm—"

"Icarus."

"Oh, come on!"

"Enough with the detective shit, Icarus! You are not leaving this tower, ever!" Riggins yelled, causing Icarus to fall silent immediately, his hand inches away from the chair that was blocking the closet door. Icarus stared at Riggins fearfully, his hand falling away from the chair.

"Great, now I'm the bad guy," Riggins grunted, turning back to the parsnips, irritated. Icarus looked from Riggins, to the closet, then over to his bookshelf where his  _ Dirk Gently  _ books lay. He swallowed a small lump in his throat, and looked down.

"All I was gonna say, Father, is that... I know what I want for my birthday now..." He stepped closer to Riggins, his voice carrying a soft, pacifying tone, in the hopes that Riggins wouldn't be too angry with him.

"And what is that?" Riggins asked.

"The new  _ Dirk Gently  _ book? It just came out today..."

"Well, that is a very long trip, Icarus," said Riggins, turning back to frown at Icarus. "Almost three days' time."

"I just... thought it was a better idea than solving the case," Icarus said quietly, rubbing his arm. Riggins sighed and walked over to him.

"You sure you'll be alright on your own?" he asked, softly.

"I know I'm safe as long as I'm here," Icarus said with a small smile.

Icarus packed a basket full of food for his father and sent him off, formulating a plan in his mind as he did so. It was a risky plan, but he had a hunch that he was making the right decision.

"I'll be back in three days' time," Riggins said, placing a hand on Icarus' shoulder. "I love you, son."

"I love you more."

"I love you most."

And with that, Riggins left the tower, leaving Icarus alone in the tower. Well, sort of alone. Half alone, really.


	7. The Interrogation

As soon as his father had left, Icarus ran back over to his closet and removed the chair. He moved it over to the center of the room and looked back at the closet again, taking a deep breath.

"Okay..." He whipped his hair over to open the closet door from a distance.

For a few seconds after the door was opened, nothing happened. Then, the man fell, face forward, onto the floor. As Icarus watched, the man slid until he was laying flat.

"Huh," Icarus said, tilting his head to the side.

About fifteen minutes later saw Icarus having successfully tied the man to the chair, using his hair as rope.

Jaws jumped up onto the man's shoulder and nudged him with her paw. Nothing happened. So, Jaws nudged him again, and once more received no response. Finally, she went up and licked the man's ear.

"Ah!" The man gave a start as he woke up, and looked around wildly. He focused on the material that was holding him to the chair and furrowed his brow, confused. "Is this... hair?"

"Struggling..." Icarus hated how his voice shook. "Struggling is pointless," he said from his hiding place in the rafters, concealed by shadows. Trying to maintain an air of confidence, he jumped down to the floor, still covered in shadow. “I know why you’re here,” he said. “And, I’m not afraid of you!”

“What?” the man asked, furrowing his brow.

Slowly, Icarus stepped forward and into the light. 

“Who are you, and how did you find me?” he asked, raising his frying pan threateningly. 

“Uh hah,” the man said simply, his jaw slack as he stared at Icarus. 

“Who are you, and how did you find me?” Icarus repeated, growing frustrated. The man swallowed and cleared his throat before speaking.

“I know not who you are, nor how I came to find you,” he said, and Icarus found his voice to be surprisingly soft. “But may I just say…” He paused. “Hi.” His face broke out into a self-satisfied smirk, and he raised an eyebrow flirtatiously at Icarus. 

Icarus merely stared at the man, not understanding what he was trying to do. 

“How you doin’?” the man continued, still with that infuriatingly confusing look on his face. “The name’s Todd Brotzman. How’s your day going? I—”

Icarus cut him off with a frustrated groan, raising his frying pan higher and looming over Todd in an attempt to be intimidating. 

“Who else knows my location, Todd Brotzman?” Icarus asked, bringing the frying pan up to Todd’s chin.

“Alright, Blondie…” Todd said, raising his palms.

“That’s not my name,” Icarus said in a warning tone.

“Then what is your name?”

“I…” Icarus paused for only a few seconds. “My name is Dirk Gently.”

“Dirk,” said Todd. “Here’s the deal. I was in a situation, galavanting through the forest, I came across your tower and—” His eyes suddenly widened as he realized something. “Oh, oh no.” He looked around himself wildly. “Where is my satchel?” he yelled desperately up at Dirk, who merely smirked back down at him.

“I’ve hidden it,” Dirk said, straightening up and crossing his arms smugly. “Somewhere you’ll never find it.”

Todd frowned, and glanced around the room for a few seconds. 

“It’s in that pot, isn’t it.”

_ Shit. _

When Todd came to after having been whacked on the head with the frying pan  _ again,  _ Dirk was standing in front of him with his arms crossed.

“Now it’s hidden where you’ll never find it,” Dirk said with a smirk.

“Jesus, I’m definitely gonna get a concussion,” Todd muttered sourly. 

“What do you want with my hair?” Dirk asked, beginning to walk around Todd. “To cut it?”

“What?” Todd asked as Dirk placed the edge of the frying pan under his chin.

“Sell it?”

“No!” Todd yelled. “Listen, the only thing I want to do with your hair is to get out of it! Literally!” He wriggled about in the chair, straining lightly against his golden bonds.

“Wait,” said Dirk, coming to a halt behind Todd. “You don’t want my hair?”

“Why on earth would I want your hair?” Todd asked, incredulously. “Look, I was being chased, I saw a tower, I climbed it. End of story.”

“You’re… telling the truth?” Dirk looked warily at Todd.

“Yes,” Todd said, and his voice begged for Dirk to believe him.

Suddenly Jaws jumped up onto Todd’s lap and looked him in the eyes suspiciously. She stayed there for a few moments before leaving Todd to jump into Dirk’s arms, meowing softly.

“I know, I need someone to take me,” Dirk whispered back to the kitten. Jaws meowed again. “I think he’s telling the truth, too.” More meows. “He’s not purple, and he doesn’t seem like he eats people.” Another meow. “Well what choice do I have?” Dirk straightened up with a sigh and turned around as Todd started thumping the chair back and forth in an attempt to escape. “Okay, Todd Brotzman. I’m prepared to offer you a deal.”

“Deal?” Todd asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Do you know of Princess Lydia?”

“Yeah, what about her?”

“She went missing today, and as a detective, I want… No, I  _ need  _ to find her.”

“You’re a detective?”

“Well, an aspiring one,” Dirk answered, awkwardly. “My father doesn’t want me to leave this tower. Which is why  _ you,  _ Todd Brotzman, will act as my assistant and help me solve the case! Then, and only then, I will return your satchel to you. That is my deal.”

“Yeah, no can do,” Todd said, flatly. “Unfortunately, the kingdom and I aren’t exactly on the best terms right now, so I won’t be ‘assisting’ you in anything.”

Dirk looked at Jaws, who had taken perch on his shoulder. Jaws’ eyes dilated, indicating that whatever solution she had in mind included copious amounts of violence.

Dirk looked back at Todd and started walking slowly towards him.

“Something brought you here, Todd Brotzman. Call it what you will, fate, destiny…”

“A dog,” Todd said, frowning. 

“Everything is connected!” Dirk said. “So I have made the decision to trust you.”

“A horrible decision, really.”

“But trust me when I tell you this.” Dirk stood right in front of Todd now, and he used his hair to pull Todd’s chair right up to his face so he was nose to nose with him. “You can tear this tower apart brick by brick,” he whispered harshly. “But without my help, you will never find your precious satchel.”

Todd cleared his throat again.

“Let me just get this straight,” he said. “I help you solve this ‘case’ or whatever, bring you back home, and you give me my satchel?”

“I promise,” said Dirk. Todd merely gave him a distrustful look. “And when I promise something,” Dirk added. “I never, ever, break that promise.”

Todd raised one eyebrow. 

“ _ Ever, _ ” said Dirk. There was a moment of silence between the two before Todd sighed.

“Alright, listen,” he said. “I didn’t want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice. Here comes the smolder…” He looked up at Dirk, his eyes wide and his eyebrows pressed together, completing the perfect ‘puppydog’ look. 

Dirk simply frowned at him. 

They stayed like that for a bit before Todd finally gave up.

“This is kind of an off day for me, this doesn’t normally happen,” he said, his brows now creasing together in a frustrated fashion, rather than a begging one. “Fine,” he conceded. “I’ll be your assistant or whatever.” 

“Really?” Dirk said with a gasp, letting go of the chair, which then unceremoniously crashed to the floor. “Oops.”

“You broke my smolder,” Todd muttered defeatedly from the floor.


	8. Best Day Ever

As Todd climbed back down the tower with the knives he had used to climb up it, Dirk stepped precariously onto the window ledge, gazing out into the wild unknown into which he was preparing himself to step for the very first time. 

“Dirk, are you coming?” Todd called up to him from below. Dirk looked down at him, then back out at the trees and greenery that surrounded the tower.

“Look at the world so close, and I’m halfway to it,” he whispered to himself. “Look at it all so big, do I even dare?” He glanced back inside, his heart beating fast. “Look at me, there at last, I just have to do it. Should I?” He gripped tightly onto his hair, where he had hung it on the hook, steeling himself. “No.” He looked back outside, longingly, determinedly. “Here I go!” Jaws jumped up onto his shoulder and made a small mrrp noise to let him know that she was ready. Dirk neatly wrapped her up in some of his hair so she wouldn’t fall before throwing the rest of his hair over the window ledge. 

Before he could change his mind, he swung himself onto the hair and used it like rope to swing down from the tower, passing Todd along the way. He stopped just short of the ground however, suddenly scared. Slowly, he lowered himself until his bare feet touched the grass. He found that it was soft, so he stood up, wiggling his toes about a bit.

“Just smell the grass, the dirt, just like I dreamed they’d be!” Grinning broadly, Dirk laid down in the grass and spread his arms about, wanting to feel the nature on every part of him. Eyeing a dandelion, he rolled over to smile at it. “Just feel that summer breeze, the way it’s calling me.” He stood up as a breeze caused the dandelion fluff to fly off the stem, and followed it until his feet landed in something wet. He looked down to see a lovely pond, and smiled wider, if possible, feeling the comfortable coolness of the water upon his skin. “For the first time ever, I’m completely free!” He splashed about in the water, laughing, feeling as light as air, thinking of all the things he could finally do. “I could go running,” he said, and his feet started to carry him out of the pond. “And racing.” He sped up, and he felt as though he was running towards a beautiful sun, a golden light full of opportunity. “And dancing, and chasing!” He saw a cave in the cliff face and began running towards it. “And leaping, and bounding!” He sped up even more, excited to be heading towards his purpose, towards his dream. “Hair flying, heart pounding!” He darted through the cave and came out the other side, feeling exhilarated. “And splashing, and reeling! And finally feeling, that’s when my life begins!”

Gasping, his heart beating fast, he turned back around to face the cave, eyes wide.

“I can’t believe I did this!” he yelled, before gasping again and putting his hands up to his head. “I can’t believe I did this,” he whispered in shock. But then he turned around in a circle, jumping from excitement. “I can’t believe I did this!” He laughed, but then stopped short as he came to a sudden realization. “Father would be so furious.”

He walked and sat on a rock in a nearby pond, trying to justify his actions to himself.

“But that’s okay. What he doesn’t know won’t kill him, right?” he muttered to himself, shrugging. He got up and went back inside the cave, wringing his hands as he went, his mind racing in fear. “Oh goodness, this would kill him!”

But then, he was finally outside! And outside was, well, it was amazing, and everything he had always dreamed! He ran out of the cave, grinning.

“This is so fun!” He kicked over a leaf pile in his mirth, showering Todd, who was standing nearby, with leaves. He ran over to a tree and climbed up it in excitement. But when he got on top of a branch, he stopped, his mind going back into scared mode. He leaned his head against the trunk, closing his eyes in guilt. “I am a horrible son. I’m going back.”

But when he got down from the tree and his feet hit that soft grass again, he couldn’t help but whoop in celebration and do a cartwheel.

“I am never going back!” he yelled, as he fell down from his cartwheel and rolled down the hill. He landed near where Todd was sitting and realized that not only was he betraying his father, he was also essentially blackmailing this man! He rolled onto his face and sighed. “I am a despicable human being.”

He looked up and saw a very large tree with some very low hanging branches that was just begging to be swinged upon. He supposed, even if he was going to maybe go back, he might as well have just a little bit of fun while he was out. He got up and ran over to the tree, hooking his hair around a branch and, after getting a running start, he began swinging around and around the tree.

“Best. Day. Ever!” he shouted, feeling the air whoosh past him as he swung. He dropped himself onto the ground and froze. He really was horrible for doing this to his father, wasn’t he? He walked over to a nearby rock and sat down next to it, defeated, and put his face in his hands. How could he have done this?

He heard Todd clearing his throat from behind him. 

“You know,” Todd said, kneeling down next to Dirk. “I can’t help but notice, you seem a little at war with yourself, here.”

Sniffling, Dirk looked up at him.

“What?”

“Now, I’m only picking up bits and pieces, of course. Overprotective father, forbidden road trip, I mean, this is serious stuff.” Todd stood up as he spoke. “But let me ease your conscience. This is part of growing up. A little rebellion, a little adventure, that’s good. Healthy, even.” Jaws jumped up onto Todd’s shoulder, only to be brushed off and back to the ground, where she opted to crawl over to Dirk instead. Dirk chuckled at this.

“You think?” he asked, wiping away a stray tear with his hand.

“I know!” Todd said, putting a hand to his own chest. “You’re way overthinking this, trust me. Does your father deserve it? No. Would this break his heart and crush his soul? Of course. But you’ve just got to do it.” 

Dirk froze at Todd’s words.

“Break his heart?” he asked, tears threatening to spill again.

“In half,” Todd replied, picking a berry from a nearby twig.

“Crush his soul?” Dirk’s eyes were wide with horror.

“Like a grape.” Todd crushed the berry between his palm and forefinger.

“He would be heartbroken, you’re right,” Dirk said as Todd helped him get back on his feet.

“I am, aren’t I?” Todd said, sadly. “Oh, bother. Alright. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m letting you out of the deal.” He pushed past Dirk and walked a few feet away from him.

“What?” Dirk asked, taken aback. 

“That’s right,” Todd said, picking up Dirk’s frying pan with one hand and Jaws with the other. “But don’t thank me. Let’s just turn around and get you home. Here’s your pan, and your cat.” He handed the pan over and put Jaws on top of Dirk’s shoulder.

“She’s not a cat, she’s a shark,” Dirk said. 

“Whatever,” said Todd, completely brushing off this absurd statement and wrapping an arm around Dirk, beginning to walk him back towards the cave. “I get back my satchel, you get back a father-son relationship based on mutual trust and wa-la! We part ways as unlikely friends.”

Dirk got out from under Todd’s arm and pushed him off, frowning.

“No! We are solving the case!”

“Oh, come on!” Todd yelled, angrily. “What is it gonna take for me to get my satchel back?”

Dirk glared at him for a few seconds before raising the frying pan, threateningly.

“I will use this,” he said, warningly. 

Suddenly, a nearby shrubbery began to quake, and Dirk and Todd both looked at it in alarm. Dirk ran behind Todd and more or less jumped on his back in fear.

“Is it rowdy thugs?” he asked, frightfully, trying to raise his frying pan out in front of him while clutching onto Todd at the same time. “An evil wizard? Have they come for me?”

Out from the bush suddenly hopped a small rabbit, carrying a small doll in its mouth. It dropped the doll on the ground at the sight of the two men and looked up at them, twitching its nose. Dirk and Todd both merely blinked at it, before Todd raised an eyebrow. 

“Stay calm,” he said, glancing back at Dirk, who was still clutching onto him from behind. “It can probably smell fear.”

“Oh,” said Dirk, stepping down and away from Todd, his face turning beet red. “Sorry. Guess I’m just a little bit jumpy…”

“Probably best if we avoid rowdy thugs, though?” Todd asked, looking at Dirk.

“Yeah,” Dirk said with a nervous chuckle, going over to pick up the doll. It was a cute little thing, with blue button eyes and red hair. “That would probably be best.”

Todd paused for a moment before a spark of an idea lit up in his eyes.

“Are you hungry?” he asked Dirk. “I know a great place for lunch!”

“Where?” Dirk asked, starting to feel a bit excited.

“Oh don’t you worry,” said Todd with a grin. “You’ll know it when you smell it!”

Neither of them noticed when the eyes on the doll changed from blue to green.


	9. Icarus Is Gone

Meanwhile, the surprisingly adamant corgi was sniffing her way through the forest, looking for any sign of the man who had stolen King Patrick’s machine. Looking up, she noticed something odd plastered onto one of the trees a little ways away. Letting out a soft bark, she scampered over to it to discover that it was a wanted poster of the very man whom she had been chasing: Todd Brotzman. Although, she had to say, his nose did  _ not  _ look like  _ that. _

Angrily, she grabbed the piece of paper off of the tree and began thrashing about with it, ripping it into tiny pieces with her teeth. She found the action to be sort of therapeutic; she could take out all the anger she harbored at her unfortunate situation onto the unfortunate paper in her mouth. 

She perked up, however, when she heard movement. Thinking that it must be the Brotzman man, she started running determinedly over to where she had heard the noise. When she was nearby, she skidded to a halt and ran behind a bush to wait for the person to come closer. When she heard their footsteps draw close, she burst out from behind the bush, barking loudly. 

It wasn’t Brotzman, though, but an older man with a mustache, wearing a pointy hat and a traveler’s cloak. 

The man let out a yelp and stepped backwards when the corgi had jumped out at him, but he soon regained his bearings. 

“Damn dog,” the man grumbled. He looked down his nose at the corgi, noticing the collar placed neatly around her neck. Then, slowly, his eyes widened. “Where is your owner?” He looked around, growing increasingly worried. “Icarus…”  _ This dog is very, dangerously close to the tower _ , he thought. _ And if its owner isn’t here, then…  _ “Icarus!”

Riggins left the dog and fled back through the forest, through the cave, and to the tower, hoping beyond hope that nobody had discovered his secret charge. 

“Icarus!” he yelled when he reached the base of the tower. “Let down your hair!” Upon getting no response, his heart beat faster. “Icarus?” 

With still no response, he ran to the back of the tower and uncovered his secret entrance, hidden in the leaves. He opened the door and went inside, climbing the stairs two at a time. 

When he got to the top of the tower, he discovered nothing, nothing but empty rooms. All the candles had gone out and there was no noise, no life to be found.

Icarus was gone.

As Riggins looked around for any sign of where Icarus might have gone, he noticed that part of the bottom step of the stairs leading up to his room looked… off. He went over to it, and upon examination discovered a satchel hidden under the step. He opened the satchel and took out the machine inside, inspecting it closely.  _ Interesting…  _ He had never seen anything like this machine, and he was confident that his superiors in Blackwing hadn’t, either. This… This could help to further their research. This could be valuable.

He looked back in the satchel and discovered a piece of paper tucked away at the bottom. Upon taking it out, he found that it was a wanted poster of a man named Todd Brotzman. 

He put the machine back into the satchel and stood up, heading over to a nearby chest of drawers, and pulled out a shining, silver dagger. It was time to get down to business. 


	10. I've Got A Dream

“I know it’s around here somewhere,” said Todd as Dirk followed him along the forest road. “Ah, there it is!” He pointed ahead and Dirk looked up to see a charming-looking tavern by the name of-- “The Snuggly Duckling.” Todd smiled at Dirk. “Don’t worry, very quaint place. Perfect for you. Don’t want you scaring and giving up on this whole endeavor now, do we?”

“Well,” said Dirk, feeling excited. “I do like ducklings.”

“Yay!” Todd exclaimed, leaning in towards Dirk with a grin. He put a hand on the small of Dirk’s back and led him to the front door of the tavern, which he swung open confidently. “Martin!” he yelled. “Your finest table, please!”

Dirk gasped as he laid eyes upon the manner of people who lingered inside the tavern. 

Sitting in the corner was a beast with wild, rainbow hair, who was in the midst of violently wolfing down a leg of mutton. Standing next to her was a woman with long dark hair who was wearing intimidating black eye makeup, as well as a threatening scissor sword strapped to her belt. Next to her was a smaller, but no less frightening, boy with crazed eyes and spiked up hair, wearing a red tunic that Dirk thought uncomfortably looked like it used to be some other color, until it got a lot of blood on it. Standing closer to Dirk and Todd was a man with greasy hair, a mustache, and a circle drawn around his right eye, which, along with the other one, was looking right at Dirk, piercing him with his glare as though it could set him on fire at any moment. Next to him was a bald man, wearing heavy fur and carrying an axe, who was baring his teeth at Dirk and Todd. And finally, there was the man in front. This man had bright blonde -- almost white -- hair, and a dark beard with small bits of white framing the middle. He was holding himself like he not only owned this tavern, but he also owned you. He was staring down Dirk and Todd, his eyes looking nothing less than wolf-like. 

Dirk held his frying pan in front of him protectively, looking around at all of them in fear. 

“You smell that?” Todd asked, putting his hands on Dirk’s shoulders and walking him forward into the tavern. “Take a deep breath through the nose. Really let that seep in. What are you getting? Because to me, it’s part man smell, and the other part is  _ really  _ bad man smell. I don’t know why, but overall it just smells like the color brown. Your thoughts?”

Dirk gasped as he was suddenly yanked back by his hair. He turned around to see the greasy-haired man holding some of the long, golden locks, looking at it with wide eyes.

“That’s a lot of hair,” he said, marvelling. 

“He’s growing it out,” said Todd with a shrug. “Is that blood in your mustache? Dirk, look at this! Look at all the blood in his mustache! Sir, that’s a lot of blood!”

Dirk, holding a bunch of hair protectively in his arms, backed up fearfully until he hit something solid. He looked up and was frightened to discover the tall blonde leader behind him. He stumbled away from him, holding up his frying pan. 

“Hey, you don’t look so good, Dirk,” said Todd, walking slowly over to him. “Maybe we should get you home, call it a day. Probably better off.” He took Dirk by the shoulder and began to lead him back towards the exit. “This is a five-star joint, after all, and if you can’t handle this place, well, maybe you should be back in your tower.”

Just as they were reaching the door, it suddenly slammed shut in front of them, to reveal another of Todd’s wanted posters plastered to the back of it.

“What the fuck did you do this time, Todd?” asked the woman, pointing at the poster and giving Todd the most incredulous look Dirk had ever seen. 

“Hey, Amanda,” said Todd with a nervous chuckle, backing up a bit and keeping Dirk behind him. “Long time no see. Dirk, this is my sister. How are you? Has it been getting any better?”

“With these guys here?” said Amanda, gesturing to the rowdy people surrounding them. “They’re fine. I mean I still get attacks, and they suck, but they’re fine.”

“What’s wrong with you, exactly?” asked Dirk, not being able to help his curiosity, in spite of the danger surrounding him.

“I have pararibulitis,” said Amanda, like it explained everything.

“Ah, of course,” said Dirk with an understanding nod. “What’s that?”

“Who are you?” asked Amanda, narrowing her eyes at him. Dirk cleared his throat and stood up straighter, trying to seem confident.

“I’m Dirk Gently. I’m a private detective.”

Amanda raised a bemused eyebrow.

“You don’t look like a private detective,” she said, placing a hand on her hip.

“Well no private detective looks like a private detective,” Dirk said, holding back a chuckle because come on,  _ obviously.  _ “That’s one of the first rules of private detection.”

“Yeah, but if no private detective  _ looks _ like a private detective, how does a private detective know what it is that he shouldn’t look like?” Amanda gave him a look as if to say  _ check and mate. _

Dirk opened his mouth to answer, but for once found that he didn’t have one. This woman was truly terrifying, she had rendered  _ even him  _ speechless. 

“It’s a nerve disease,” said Amanda, and it took Dirk a couple of seconds to realize that she was answering his earlier question. “It causes your brain to misinterpret certain inputs, and you actually have hallucinations that feel real, and in most cases, very painful.”

“So, that means…” Dirk frowned, trying to discern what she meant. 

“Water on your hand could feel like fire,” Todd said, his expression serious for the first time since Dirk had met him. “Your shoe in your foot could feel like it was crushing it. Breathing could feel like drowning.”

“I’m sorry, that’s terrible,” Dirk said to Amanda, but he was now utterly fascinated by this condition. “And so interesting!”

Amanda merely looked at him like he had suddenly sprouted an extra head.

“Yeah, well,” she said. “Todd had it and he got better. And the Rowdy 3 here take care of me.” She smiled around at the others in the tavern.

“Rowdy 3?” Dirk was now suddenly confused again. “But there are…” He did a quick head count. “Six of you?”

“Shut up, math!” Amanda yelled at him, causing Dirk to step back in alarm. 

“Hey Boss, little guy never said why someone drew him on a piece of paper!” came the loud voice of the small one with the spiky hair. 

“Right,” said Amanda, turning back to Todd, her expression one of utmost seriousness. “The fuck did you do?”

“Oh come on,” said Todd, defensively. “I just stole a little thing…”

“Little?” asked Amanda, advancing on him. As she did so, the other members of the Rowdy 3 started advancing along with her, backing Todd up into a corner.

“Just some… machine? From King Patrick?” Todd said with a nervous chuckle.

“ _ You stole King Patrick’s machine _ ?” Amanda asked, her eyes widening. “Todd you are a stupid motherfucker, do you know that?”

“They’re gonna be sending the Disney cops after us!” the bald one shouted.

“You’re endangering my family by coming here?” Amanda was glaring daggers at Todd, having effectively, along with the rest of the Rowdy 3, completely backed him into a corner.

“You want us to get him, Boss?” asked the small one, jumping up and down in excitement.

“We’ll bash him up for you, nice and good,” said the greasy one, licking his lips.

"Stop!" Dirk yelped, trying to wedge his way past the blockade the others had created in front of Todd, to no avail.

"I'm ready for a meal," the bald one said, licking his lips in anticipation and hunger.

"Wait, please!" Dirk jumped around behind them, trying to get their attention. "Give me back my guy!"

"We don't want you bothering drummer no more!" the small one yelled, all the while the Rowdy 3 were continuing to advance on Todd, who was now so far back in the corner that he had literally nowhere to go.

"Ready for lunch, boys?" the tall leader shouted, baring his teeth in an animalistic grin. He walked right up to Todd, and Dirk was terrified of whatever he was planning to do.

Thinking fast, Dirk ran up to the leader, reared back his fist, and punched him hard upside the head.

Everyone froze.

Simultaneously, every Rowdy head in the room turned to face Dirk.

Dirk stepped back with a gulp.

"I have--" he said, his breath coming out in short, nervous bursts as everyone stared at him. "I have never hit anyone before. And, oh, I do not know what to now." His eyes darted around fearfully, his whole body shaking a bit. "And to you, Todd," he said, looking now towards Todd, who was still standing in the corner with his palms pressed flat to the wall after having almost been eaten alive by psychic vampires. "I am sorry! I have been rude, I have become a violent young or young-ish man. And my face feels very hot." He raised his fist gingerly to his face, which had indeed begun to feel quite warm. His head was beginning to get a bit hazy as well, from the newly-formed pain in his right hand. "And my hand might actually be broken, and, so..." He looked back up at the leader, his eyes pleading and desperate. "Please... Haven't any of you ever had a dream?"

The Rowdy 3, plus Todd, merely stared at him. The leader growled and stepped towards him, causing Dirk to step back more. He advanced until Dirk felt his back hit a table, stopping him from moving further. The leader was now upon him, looking down at him with an intimidating glare. Dirk swallowed a lump in his throat, terrified, as he looked back up at the man, wondering what was going to happen next.

Finally, the man opened his mouth to say something.

"I had a dream, once," he said, his deep voice rumbling through the tavern. Dirk blinked. The man straightened up and began sauntering around the tavern. "When I was a kid, I had a family, sure, but my folks were never around, and my brother, well, he wasn't a pretty character. I always dreamed of creating my own family, of finding people to take care of, who would take care of me in return."

Dirk smiled as the man spoke, warmth spreading through him. If the leader of the Rowdy 3 had a dream as lovely as this, maybe the "rowdy thugs" his father had warned him about might not be so bad, after all.

"Yeah, Martin's dream is great!" shouted the small one, jumping from excitement once more.

"Yeah, I ain't as cruel and vicious as I seem," said Martin with a smile, sitting down at a table and putting his feet up. "Tell him your dream, Vogel."

"Oh! Oh!" the small one, Vogel, shouted to Dirk. "I can show you!" Dirk tilted his head to the side in excited confusion as Vogel ran behind the bar to get something. He trotted back over to Dirk a minute later with a rolled up piece of paper in his hands. He unrolled it to uncover a beautiful, chaotic painting, with every color of the rainbow splattered onto what was unmistakably a skull, covered in exotic flowers and ribbons.

"You made this?" Dirk asked in wonder. Vogel nodded enthusiastically.

"Painting is fun! You get to make a huge mess, but with colors! And then you can like, create shit!"

"It's beautiful." Dirk smiled at Vogel, who swelled with pride.

"So I've got a dream! I wanna paint forever and ever, and maybe get famous or something!"

"I've got a dream, too!" the bald one shouted, raising his fist triumphantly in the air.

"Tell him, Gripps!" Vogel shouted, gleefully.

"I really like making shit!" Gripps said, coming up next to Dirk, excited to tell him about his dream. Dirk was taking it all in, absorbing the inspiration and happiness coming from all of them. "I make, like, contraptions." Gripps grinned at Dirk, who smiled back.

"Like what?" he asked, ever so curious on what sorts of things Gripps liked to make.

"I'm a tired guy, you know," he said, and Dirk nodded, following along. "So it's hard for me to wake up sometimes. So I made this thing where it's like a clock, but when it gets to be a certain time, it'll hit you on the head with a stick so you wake up!"

Dirk blinked. Hit you on the head...? Whatever, it was still cool, he supposed.

"That's amazing! So you're an inventor?"

"My dream is to get like, a patent or some shit," Gripps said, proudly.

"I have a dream also!" shouted the greasy one.

"What's your name, again?" asked Dirk politely, thoroughly enjoying hearing about all of their dreams.

"That's Cross!" shouted Gripps.

"I'm Cross," said Cross.

"That's what I said," said Gripps.

"What's your dream, Cross?" asked Dirk, smiling.

"I wanna rescue every cat," said Cross with a grin. "We've got lots and lots of 'em outside, and I feed 'em and stuff."

"Yeah, they sometimes get into the tavern, but that's okay," said Martin. "They're cute little things."

"Awww," said Dirk, cooing at the vision of these mean-looking men taking care of tiny kittens.

"You've got a cat with you, right?" Cross asked Dirk. "I saw it when you came in. Where did it go?"

"She's actually a shark, not a cat," Dirk said, matter-of-factly. "She jumped off of my shoulder a little bit ago, but she should be around here..." He looked around and saw Jaws, sat on the floor a little ways away. He went over to her and scooped her into his arms, bringing her back over to Cross, who smiled.

"Can I?" he asked, extending his hand towards Jaws.

"Go ahead, she's not shy," said Dirk, stepping closer to Cross with Jaws in his arms. Cross held out his hand to Jaws, who sniffed it. Sensing Cross as being trustworthy, she closed her eyes happily and nudged his hand with her head. Cross grinned and ran his fingers through her soft fur.

"I love cats," he said.

"Shark," Dirk corrected, allowing Jaws to hop from his arms into Cross' arms instead.

"Dweamme!" shouted the rainbow monster, unexpectedly. Dirk looked around in alarm at the sudden loud noise. The rainbow beast ran up to him and grabbed hold of his arm, hugging it to her tightly. "You beauty boy!" she said, smiling up at him. "You name Bibbit!"

"Erm, my name is Dirk actually--"

"Bibbit says dweamme?"

"Er, yes?"

"I has dweamme!"

"Oh?"

"I wants a beauty beauty boyfren!" Beast closed her eyes, a dreamy expression on her face.

"That's lovely," said Dirk, attempting to pry Beast off of his arm.

"You got a dream, Drummer?" Martin turned to Amanda, raising an eyebrow with a small smile. Dirk turned to her as well, curious. Amanda just smirked.

"I'm living my dream. I just want to be free," she said.

"And you are," said Gripps, walking up to her and clapping a hand on her back.

"How about you, Todd?" Amanda asked, turning to Todd, raising a challenging eyebrow at him. Todd raised his eyebrows.

"Uh, no, I'd rather not..."

"Tell us your dream, boy!" Martin said, his voice commanding. Todd swallowed nervously and stepped forward.

"Alright," he said. "I mean, I have dreams like yours. No, really!" He glanced around at the disbelieving expressions of all the Rowdies. "Just much less... touchy-feely? They mainly happen somewhere warm and sunny. On and island that I own, tanned and rested, and alone, surrounded by enormous piles of money." He grinned at them and was met merely with frowns. In unison, they all turned away from him and towards Dirk, looking at him expectantly.

"I've got a dream!" yelled Dirk excitedly. "I just want to solve a mystery as a team! And with every passing hour, I'm so glad I left my tower! Like all you lovely folks, I've got a dream!"

As they celebrated and talked of their dreams, nobody noticed a man with a pointy hat, a traveler's cloak, and a mustache peering disapprovingly through the window at the scene inside.

They did notice, however, when the door banged open and a short, round man with a firm jaw and a large fur coat stepped into the room, followed by several tall, bald men, who were pulling Bart and Ken along behind them, in chains.

"Where is Todd Brotzman?" he demanded. Immediately, Todd grabbed Dirk and pulled him to the side, ducking behind the bar and out of sight.

"Who wants to know?" Amanda asked, stepping forward with her hand hovering near the handle of the scissor sword on her belt.

"Never mind that," the man said, waving a dismissive hand. "He has my machine, and more importantly, he has my goddamn dog!"

"That was  _ his  _ dog?" Todd whispered from where he was sat next to Dirk behind the bar. Dirk looked at him questioningly, and he shook his head.

Vogel suddenly appeared next to them. They looked up, and Vogel put a finger on his lips, signifying that they should be silent. While Amanda distracted the man, Vogel motioned for them to follow him a few feet away, where he pulled a lever to open a hidden door.

"Go," he said, his voice soft for once. "Live your dream."

"I will," Todd replied with a small smile. Vogel frowned.

"Your dream stinks. I was talking to British guy."

Todd sighed and began crawling into the tunnel.

"Thanks for everything," Dirk whispered to Vogel. He leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Vogel's cheek. This turned out to be a bad move, because Vogel's eyes widened in horror. He opened his mouth and immediately started screaming. "Shit!" Dirk exclaimed, clambering quickly into the tunnel after Todd.

"What the fuck is that?" asked Todd, turning around to stare at Dirk.

"Go quickly!" Dirk ushered him, panicked.

"What is that?" Gordon Rimmer yelled. He went over to look behind the bar, where the screaming was coming from, and saw Vogel, sitting there with a red face, yelling his head off. More importantly, he was sitting next to a hidden door, which was open and led into a tunnel. "Alright, we're going down the, the secret passage!" Rimmer yelled, waving his arms. "You, Ed, make sure those two--" he gestured at Bart and Ken. "Don't get away!"

With that, Rimmer and two of the bald men started heading down the secret passage, following after Dirk and Todd, leaving the third bald man, Ed, with Bart and Ken.

As soon as Rimmer was gone, Bart took off her chains with ease and immediately wrapped them around Ed’s neck, choking the life out of him. Ken merely watched as the man dropped dead to the ground.

"Play it safe," Bart said with a shrug as she took Ed's scissor sword and cut Ken free. "We'll go get the machine." She smirked at Ken, who gave her an equally wicked smile back.

Meanwhile, Martin had shoved Vogel outside to calm down from his brush with death, otherwise known as Dirk's lips. Stepping outside did the opposite of calming him down, however, as he immediately turned to find Riggins standing beside the window, raising an eyebrow.

Vogel's eyes widened in fear and recognition.

"It's the guy! It's the guy! It's the--" he was silenced by Riggins' hand clapping over his mouth.

"Hello, Jacob," Riggins growled, holding Vogel forcefully to himself so he couldn't move. "I'll let you go if you tell me one thing."

Vogel nodded frantically.

"Where does that tunnel let out?"


	11. The Chase

"Well, I've gotta say," Todd said to Dirk as they followed the tunnel out of the Rowdy tavern. "Didn't know you had that in you back there. That was... pretty impressive."

"I know!" Dirk exclaimed, excitedly. He cleared his throat, a blush adorning his cheeks. "I know," he said, quieter and more nonchalantly, shrugging his shoulders. Todd merely smiled and rolled his eyes at him before looking forwards again. "So, Todd," said Dirk, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. "Where are you from?"

"Woah, sorry Dirk, I don't do backstory," Todd said with a dismissive wave of his hand. "However, I am becoming very interested in yours. Now, I know I'm not supposed to mention the hair?" He looked at Dirk for confirmation of this fact.

"Nope," Dirk confirmed.

"Or the father..."

"Uh-uh."

"Frankly I'm too scared to ask about the cat."

"Shark."

"Whatever. Here's my question, though. If you want to solve a case so badly, why haven't you tried before? Plenty of like, mysterious stuff happens around here. There's that old farmhouse where that couple went missing, for example. You could always have investigated that. Or you could even try an old cold case, like the Cjelli family."

"Cjelli family?" Dirk inquired, a sudden nagging feeling occurring in the pit of his stomach.

"Yeah, do you not get news, or like, town history up in that tower? The Cjelli's lived in the village and then suddenly turned up dead, and their baby was missing. Must have been almost twenty years ago? Give or take a couple of years."

"That does sound quite intriguing," said Dirk, his mind pondering the mysterious Cjelli family. He scrunched his brow and glanced at Jaws, who was perched upon his shoulder.

Suddenly, they heard noise coming from the way they came.

"Er, Todd?" Dirk said apprehensively as he looked down the passage. Todd looked over to see a bunch of men running at them.

"Oh, shit," he said, grabbing Dirk's arm. "Run!" Dirk gathered up a bunch of his hair and ran full-speed ahead with Todd right behind him. Dirk was honestly a little bit impressed at how fast Todd was running, what with his short legs and all.

They ran until they came out at the top of a mining canyon, both of them looking around wildly for an escape route. They looked out over the edge of the canyon to see if they could possibly find a way down, when they saw a boarded up mine shaft suddenly burst open. Bart and Ken ran through, looking around for Todd.

"Who's that?" asked Dirk, pointing at them.

"They don't like me," said Todd. Hearing the men that had been following them, they turned back around to face the tunnel to see Gordon Rimmer and his thugs coming out of the entrance.

"Who's that?" Dirk asked.

"They don't like me either," said Todd. There was more noise coming from the tunnel, however, as Farah Black rode through on her palace horse. She gave Rimmer a look as if to say 'I'll deal with you later,' before setting her eyes squarely on Todd.

"Who's that?" asked Dirk.

"She also doesn't like me," said Todd with a grimace.

Then, last but not least, they heard barking coming from the tunnel entrance, and the corgi that had been pursuing Todd ran through, growling.

"Who's that?" asked Dirk, getting more and more confused by all the moving pieces in this puzzle. Todd, exasperated, grabbed Dirk by the shoulders and looked him in the eyes.

"Let's just assume, for the moment, that everyone in here doesn't like me."

"Hey, that's my dog!" shouted Rimmer, pointing at the corgi. The corgi, for her part, merely growled louder, her growls now directed at Rimmer.

Dirk, ignoring this, shoved his frying pan at Todd.

"Here," he said, getting ready to lasso his hair. He swung it so it wrapped around a wooden structure at the other end of the canyon, and swiftly jumped, clinging to his hair as the momentum propelled him to the other side.

Todd watched him do this until he heard a gruff laugh from behind him. He turned around to face Rimmer, who was standing a little bit away.

"Alright, men," Rimmer said, addressing his thugs. "Go and beat him up! We need that machine!" Rimmer's thugs stepped forward, eerie smiles plastered on their faces. Todd gripped the frying pan that Dirk had shoved at him and swallowed nervously as they approached.

The men ran at him, brandishing their scissor swords, and Todd dodged them easily, knocking out two in a row with a swift frying pan to the head, and then tripping the third before knocking him out as well. He looked at the frying pan in his hand as though it had just given him all the riches in the world.

"Damn, I have got to get me one of these!" He brandished it again, smirking confidently back at the others.

Farah had gotten off of her horse and was slowly advancing on Todd, her scissor sword drawn and ready to strike. Todd was ready for her though, and managed to defend himself when she charged at him.

"Oh hey," Todd said, a stupid idea coming to him. "You're from the palace, right? You happen to know anything about a missing princess? I'm sorta helping out a friend."

Farah merely glared at him as she swiped at him with her scissor sword once more.

"What are you playing at? You're the one who knows where she is!" she yelled, angrily, as the corgi suddenly started barking. This caused Todd to pause. He jumped out of Farah's way and held up a hand to stop her advancing.

"Wait, hold up," he said. "How would I know where the missing princess is?" Farah looked at him like he was the stupidest rock on a planet of rocks.

"I mean, you were the one who kidnapped her and stole King Patrick's machine," she said.

"What? I didn't kidnap the princess," Todd said, defensively. "It was probably that guy or something." He pointed at Gordon Rimmer, who had been attempting to rally in his dog, who was darting around him and barking all the while.

Farah straightened up and turned to look at Rimmer.

"You were the only other group of people on the palace grounds that day," she said, slowly beginning to advance on him. Rimmer, for his part, started backing away, looking helplessly to the three thugs that had been knocked out cold and were laying on the ground.

Farah never got far, however, because Todd had swung the frying pan and hit her on the back of the head, knocking her out cold.

"Thanks," Rimmer said, blinking at Todd.

"I did not do that for you," Todd said, glaring at him. "I did that so she would get off my ass. Now. Stay there. Don't move." He brandished the frying pan and Rimmer, smartly, moved back.

"Todd!" yelled Dirk from across the way. Todd smiled as Dirk lassoed his hair to wrap around him, pulling him away from Rimmer and over to where Dirk was standing instead. As he was swinging towards Dirk, however, he skidded almost at the bottom of the canyon, where Bart and Ken stood waiting. "Todd, look out!" Dirk yelled. Bart and Ken both swiped at Todd as he came close to them but he managed to just narrowly miss them.

"Ha!" he yelled, triumphantly. "You should see your faces, because you look--" He suddenly slammed into a plank of wood that was jutting out of a structure in the canyon. "Ridiculous..." he said, his voice wavering from the pain.

Meanwhile, the corgi had somehow managed to knock over a long wooden pole that stretched over to the other side of the canyon where Dirk was, which opened a water reserve and caused water to start pouring out into the canyon.

"Come on, Dirk, jump!" Todd yelled, as the corgi began running across the pole. Dirk grabbed tightly onto his hair, and, heart beating fast, he jumped, swinging across the canyon and landing at the bottom. He was away from the corgi, but now faced the much scarier threat of Bart and Ken (but mostly Bart).

Todd climbed down to meet him, knocking the water pipe out of place so it began spilling. Dirk and Todd ran as fast as they could, especially because they could hear the sound of the big dam collapsing behind them, and they knew that the water would soon overtake them. They saw a tunnel and ran at top speed just as the surge of water knocked down a large piece of land that had been jutting out of the canyon. They made it into the tunnel just as it fell, effectively blocking the entrance and trapping them inside.

The water was still pouring in, however, so they climbed as high as they could until they reached a solid wall of rocks. Dirk clung terrified to the wall of the cave as Todd held his breath and dove into the water, searching desperately for a way out, a single rock he could remove that would flush out the cave. Dirk grabbed the frying pan that Todd had dropped and started whacking at the spaces in between the rocks above the water. Todd came up from the water a moment later and started helping Dirk, slamming his body as hard as he could into the rocks. The only thing that did, however, was cause a cut to form on Todd's hand from scratching the rock. He dove into the water again, hope draining from his heart.

Finally giving up, he rose back to the surface.

"It's no use," he said, his voice quivering only slightly. "I can't see anything." Dirk dived into the water then, in one last desperate attempt, but Todd grabbed him and pulled him up. "Hey," he said, his arms around Dirk. "There's no point. It's pitch black down there."

Dirk looked at Todd, his heartbeat seeming to ominously slow down as realization sank into him.

They were trapped.

And they weren't getting out.

"This is all my fault," Dirk said, his voice barely a whimper as he tried and immediately failed to contain his tears. "He was right, I never should have done this... I'm so..." He let out a soft sob. "I'm so sorry, Todd..." He covered his face with one hand as he cried, anguish overtaking him. Todd gave a resigned sigh next to him, as though he was steeling himself for something.

"I... never had pararibulitis."

"What?" Dirk asked, looking up with a sniffle.

"It ran in my family," Todd said, looking away from him. "I lied and said I did so my parents would send me money and I wouldn't have to work."

"But... why?" Dirk asked, his brow furrowing. "Why not just get a job, or--"

"I don't know," Todd said with a wince. "I can't even remember the first time I lied about it. I don't even relate to that person anymore." Dirk could see Todd's jaw quivering. "I just... I don't know. I don't know." Dirk looked at him, trying to process what he was saying, and what this meant. "So, when Amanda really got sick, with the disease that I was faking... I realized that she needed the cash more than me, so... I said I got better. But... It was too late. My parents had already run out of money. So I started stealing and sending the money back to her."

"But you support her," Dirk said, trying to see a silver lining. "So, maybe--"

"I couldn't--" Todd groaned in frustration and despair. "She thinks I was cured of a disease that she actually has. Do you know how many times she's told me that's what gets her through the day? That's what gives her hope. How could I take that away from her?"

They were silent for a few moments, and the silence weighed heavy between them.

"So," Todd said. "There's your assistant, friend, whatever, Dirk. I just... I just thought someone should know, before I die." His voice cracked on his last word, and Dirk didn't miss the tear that rolled down his cheek.

Dirk tried to think of anything he wanted Todd to know before the water finally engulfed them.

"I have magic hair that glows when I sing," said Dirk after a moment's thought.

"What?" Todd asked, thoroughly thrown by this new bit of information. Dirk blinked, and then realization dawned on him.

"I have... magic hair that glows when I sing!" he said, getting excited. " _ Flower gleam and glow, let your power shine-- _ " He managed to get those words out just as the water rose and submerged them completely.

Light spread from the top of Dirk's head, all the way down through his hair.

Todd opened his eyes under the water at the sudden presence of light and yelped before clamping his hand over his mouth.

With the new source of light, they saw some of Dirk's hair getting pulled towards a small gap in the rocks. Desperately, they both swam towards it and started pulling as hard as they could against the rocks.

Then finally, miraculously, they broke free. Todd pulled away a rock and light poured through the gap just as water poured out. With the combination of the missing rock and the pressure, rocks surrounding the newfound gap collapsed, flowing Dirk and Todd right out of the cave and into a river.

The two of them swam to shore and climbed onto it, breathing heavily, but thankfully breathing air.

"We made it," Dirk sighed the words out in his relief.

"His hair glows," Todd said, in complete shock.

"We're alive," said Dirk, a grin making its way across his face as he stood up. "We're alive!"

"I didn't see that coming," Todd groaned, and then looked up at Jaws, who was on the grass next to him and staring up at him. "His hair actually glows."

"Todd?"

"Why does his hair glow?" Todd exclaimed.

"Todd!"

"What?" Todd yelled, finally looking up at Dirk.

"It doesn't just glow," Dirk said, pulling the rest of his hair out of the water. Jaws blinked at Todd and purred.

"Why is she purring at me?" Todd asked, suspiciously, glancing between Jaws and Dirk.


	12. Revenge

Drawing his dagger, Riggins crept towards the trap door that Vogel had led him to. This was where the tunnel was supposed to lead out, and sure enough, he heard movement coming from inside. He would ambush this Todd Brotzman and take Icarus back to the tower, where he belonged. When the door opened, however, it wasn’t Todd Brotzman who crawled out.

Bart and Ken, soaking wet and coughing, climbed out of the trap door and collapsed onto the ground as Riggins stepped back to hide behind a nearby rock. Or rather, Ken collapsed. Bart merely stood there, looking for all intents and purposes like a very dirty, wet cat.

“I’ll kill that guy!” Bart yelled, swinging her machete around like a baseball bat.

“Todd?” Ken asked from the ground, in between gasping breaths.

“Yeah!”

“Do you feel like killing him?”

“Not really…” Bart kicked a pebble near her foot as Ken sighed.

“Great. That means we can’t kill him,” he said, closing his eyes.

“The universe is stupid!” Bart exclaimed. “Okay, well, we’ll at least hurt him. Like, a lot. I hate him.”

“We can cut him off at the kingdom,” Ken suggested. “And get back that machine.” He began getting to his feet.

“Looking for this?” Riggins asked suddenly, stepping out from behind the rock and holding out the satchel, a smug smile on his face.

“You!” Bart stepped forward threateningly, but seemed to hesitate a bit.

“You know this guy?” Ken asked, looking between Bart and Riggins. Bart said nothing. Riggins stepped more towards Bart and handed her the satchel. She grabbed it and looked inside. Sure enough, the machine was there. She looked from it, then back up at Riggins as Ken peered into the satchel as well.

“Just like that?” Ken asked, looking up. “You’re just giving us the machine back?”

“Well,” said Riggins, his smirk widening. “I was going to offer you something worth something 1000 times more than that machine, would’ve made you rich beyond belief, and that wasn’t even the best part… Ah well, c’est la vie. Enjoy your machine, Marzanna.” He nodded once to Bart before turning to leave.

“Wait!” Bart said. Riggins looked back at her, finding her with wide, curious eyes and a furrowed brow. “What’s the best part?” 

Riggins held up the wanted poster of Todd that he had found in the satchel.

“It comes with revenge on Todd Brotzman.”


	13. Flower, Gleam And Glow

Dirk wrapped a few locks of his hair around Todd’s hand as Todd looked at him, his eyebrow raised in frightful anticipation of whatever the Hell Dirk was about to do.

“So,” said Todd, breaking the silence. “You’re being strangely cryptic as you wrap your magic hair around my injured hand.” He winced as Dirk wrapped a lock particularly tight.

“Sorry,” said Dirk, before sighing. “Just don’t… don’t freak out.” Todd looked wide-eyed between Dirk and his hand. Dirk sighed again before beginning to sing. “ _ Flower, gleam and glow. Let your power shine. Make the clock reverse, bring back what once was mine.”  _ As he sang, his golden hair began to glow, spreading from his scalp down through the locks. “ _ Heal what has been hurt. Change the Fates’ design. Save what has been lost, bring back what once was mine, what once was mine.”  _ The light spread to the bit of hair that was wrapped around Todd’s hand, and Todd felt a warmth spread over his palm where the cut was. 

The song ended and the light faded, and Dirk looked up at Todd with apprehensive eyes. Todd lifted his injured hand and unwrapped the hair, revealing perfect, unblemished skin underneath. The cut was gone. He opened his mouth to scream, but--

“Please don’t freak out!” Dirk said, causing Todd to freeze right before screaming.

“Aaah, I’m not freaking out,” Todd said, looking very freaked out. “Are you freaking out? No, I’m just very interested in your hair and the magical qualities that it possesses. How long has it been doing that, exactly?”

“Er, forever, I guess,” Dirk said with a nervous chuckle. “Father says when I was a baby, people tried to cut it. They wanted to take it for themselves. But once it’s cut, it turns brown and loses its power.” He pushed some of his hair to the side to reveal a short lock of brown hair. “A gift like that… It has to be protected. That’s why Father never let me…” He sighed. “That’s why… I never left, and…” He looked away from Todd.

“You never left that tower,” Todd finished his sentence. Dirk looked back at him, his gaze locking onto Todd’s. “And you’re still gonna go back?” Todd asked. 

“No!” said Dirk. “Yes…” He sighed and put his face in his hands. “It’s complicated.” Jaws nuzzled against Dirk’s foot, comfortingly. He looked up, then looked at Todd again. “So,” he said, his expression serious. “Pararomu… The disease?”

It was Todd’s turn to sigh now. He turned away from Dirk, balling his hands into fists. 

“Yeah… I know. I know what you must think of me now. I’m an asshole. I just…” He bit his lip and looked up at the sky. 

“Todd…” Dirk looked at him. “You’re the first person who has actually acted like a friend to me. And, to be totally candid… I’m a bit sick of your bullshit.” This caused Todd to actually look back at him.

“What?”

“Well, I just wish you’d stop saying you’re an asshole. I don’t think you are, so it comes off a bit cheap.”

“Cheap? Have you not been listening?” Todd asked, incredulously.

“It’s very easy to act like a jerk, and then say, ‘welp, I’m a jerk, so that’s that,’” said Dirk. “But it’s not like being a bloody werewolf, is it? It’s just you making excuses for your excuses.” He smiled sadly at Todd. “I don’t have any friends. I have been trapped in a tower for my entire life, and I have always been alone. Even you are only here because I’m blackmailing you. But, since you’re the closest thing I’ve had to a friend, I’d really appreciate it if you’d stop calling yourself an asshole.” He looked away from Todd again, and chose instead to look down at his hands.

“Okay,” said Todd, causing Dirk to look back up. “You’re right.”

“Huh?” Dirk tilted his head to the side.

“Tomorrow, we’ll solve the case of the missing princess. And… I’ll tell Amanda the truth… about everything.” Dirk smiled and nodded. “And Dirk…” Todd looked meaningfully at him. “I am your friend.” Todd almost cowered under the pure beam Dirk gave him at this statement. His face heating up, he coughed, awkwardly, before standing up. “Well, I should… I should get some more firewood.” He gave Dirk a small smile before walking into the darkness of the woods. 

Dirk smiled after him, positively thrilled at the prospect of having Todd as a friend.

“I thought he’d never leave,” came a sudden, gruff voice from behind Dirk. He gasped and stood up, whipping around to see Colonel Riggins standing there with a self-satisfied smile on his face. 

“Father!”

“Hello, son.”

“But I… I don’t… how did you find me?” Dirk asked as Riggins walked over to put a hand on his shoulder.

“It was easy, really,” Riggins replied. “I just listened for the sound of complete and utter betrayal and followed that.” Dirk sighed.

“Father…”

“We’re going home, Icarus. Now.”

“You don’t understand!” Dirk said, putting his hand on top of Riggins’. “I’ve been on this incredible journey, and I’ve seen and learnt so much! I… I even met someone.” His face colored slightly as he smiled at his father. 

“Yes, the wanted thief,” said Riggins. “I’m so proud. Come on, Icarus.” He grabbed Dirk’s wrist to drag him along.

“Father, wait.” Dirk pulled his wrist from Riggins’ grip. “I think… I think he likes me.”

“Likes you?” Riggins scoffed. “Please, Icarus. That’s demented.”

“But Father, I--”

“This is why you never should have left. Son, this whole romance that you’ve invented… with not only a thief, he’s also another man.” Riggins shook his head in a way to signify how disgusted he was with his son’s digression. “This only proves you’re too naive to be here. Why would he like you? Come on, now, really. Look at you.” He waved a hand up and down Dirk’s form. “You think that he’s impressed? Don’t be stupid, just come with me. Father--”

“No!” Dirk shouted, stepping back.

“No?” Riggins asked, his face darkening dangerously. “Oh. I see how it is.” He stepped closer to Dirk, who stepped further away. “Icarus knows best. Icarus is so mature now. Such a clever grown-up man. Icarus knows best. Fine, if you’re so sure, now, go ahead and give him this.” He held out the satchel with the stolen machine inside. Dirk gasped. 

“How did you--”

“This is why he’s here,” said Riggins, opening the satchel to show Dirk the machine. “Don’t let him deceive you. Give it to him. Watch, you’ll see.” He handed Dirk the satchel, and Dirk took it, glaring at Riggins.

“I will!”

“Trust me, son. That’s how fast he’ll leave you. I won’t say I told you so. No, Icarus knows best, right?” Riggins’ smile was malicious and cruel. “So if he’s such a ‘dreamboat,’ go ahead and put him to the test.” He began to walk away, waving a dismissive hand.

“Father, wait!” Dirk called after him.

“If he’s lying, don’t come crying,” Riggins said. “Remember, Father knows best.” And with that, Riggins was gone, leaving Dirk standing in the dark with the satchel in his hands. 

“So, hey, uh, can I ask you something?” came Todd’s voice suddenly from the distance. Dirk looked up in alarm, then back down at the satchel. “Is there any chance I’m gonna get super strength in my hand?” Todd asked as he approached with the firewood. “Because I’m not gonna lie, that would be awesome.” Dirk said nothing, simply facing away from Todd, towards where his father had disappeared into the darkness. “Hey, you alright?” Todd put down the firewood and stepped closer. 

“Oh, sorry, yeah.” Dirk turned around to face Todd, a cheery smile on his face, having hidden the satchel behind a nearby rock. “Just, er, lost in thought, I guess.” Todd shrugged.

“I mean because here’s the thing,” he continued as he sat down. “Superhuman good looks? I’ve always had ‘em.” He grinned. “Born with it. But superhuman strength? Imagine the possibilities!”

In the bushes a little ways away, Riggins stood with Bart and Ken, watching the scene. Bart made a move to go after Todd, but Riggins put out a hand to stop her. 

“Patience, Marzanna,” he said, still wearing his malicious smile. “All good things to those who wait.”


	14. Going To Town

Something was…  _ dripping  _ on Todd’s face.

Rousing from his sleep, Todd blinked his eyes open a few times before looking up, only to see the insane corgi baring its teeth at him, dripping with water. 

“Well I hope you’re here to apologize,” he said, turning to go back to sleep. 

Dirk woke up abruptly to the sound of Todd screaming. Sitting up and looking around, he discovered a bizarre sight. A corgi had ahold of Todd’s leg and was attempting to drag him away. Dirk scrambled to his feet and ran after them, grabbing ahold of Todd’s arms and trying to pry him away from the corgi.

“Give me… him!” he yelled as he pulled on Todd’s arms. He pulled harder and harder until Todd’s boot came off in the corgi’s mouth and they all tumbled away from each other. The corgi regained its bearings first and started to run at Todd, the boot still in its mouth, but Dirk jumped in between them. “Woah, woah, woah!” Dirk waved his arms at the corgi. “Settle down! Easy, girl, easy!” The corgi barked and tried to get past Dirk, but Dirk wouldn’t let her get to Todd. “That’s it,” Dirk said as the corgi settled down a bit. “There we go…” The corgi looked up at Dirk and stopped moving, tilting her head to the side. “That’s it!” said Dirk, soothingly.

The corgi looked above Dirk to see the small kitten, Jaws, perched on top of his head. The kitten blinked at her, signifying that she should do what Dirk tells her and settle down.

“Now sit,” Dirk said, pointedly. The corgi whimpered. “Sit,” Dirk said again. The corgi sat. 

“What?” came Todd’s incredulous voice from a few feet away.

“Now drop the boot,” ordered Dirk. The corgi gave an indignant whine. “Drop it!” She dropped it. “Aww, you’re such a good girl!” Dirk cooed, reaching down to pet her on the head. Despite herself, the corgi wagged her tail. “Yes you are! Are you all tired from chasing this bad man all over the place?” The corgi looked up at Dirk with wide eyes.

“Excuse me?” asked Todd.

“Nobody appreciates you, do they?” asked Dirk, leaning down to the corgi’s level. “Do they?” The corgi whined and nuzzled into Dirk’s hand. 

“Oh, come on!” yelled Todd. “She’s a bad dog!”

“Oh, she’s nothing but a little sweetheart,” said Dirk, playing with the corgi’s ears. “Isn’t that right…” He looked at the dog’s collar. “Rapunzel?” The corgi whined again and nudged Dirk. 

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” said Todd, earning him what could only be described as a glare from the corgi. 

“Look,” said Dirk, putting his hands on either side of the corgi’s face. “Today is kind of the biggest day of my life, and the thing is…” He went over to pull Todd to his feet. “I need you to not get him arrested.” The corgi whined. “Just for twenty-four hours and then you can chase each other to your heart’s content. Okay?” He looked between Todd and the corgi, who were both glaring daggers at each other. 

Todd sighed and leaned down so he was more on level with the corgi. His mouth set in a hard line, he extended a hand for the corgi to shake. The corgi huffed and turned away from him. 

“And it’s… also my birthday,” Dirk mentioned, casually. “Just so you know.” The corgi huffed again in more of a sigh before turning back to Todd. Reluctantly, she raised a paw. Todd shook it with a small nod.

Suddenly, Dirk heard… now that had to be music. He pushed past Todd and the corgi to see where the source of the music was. Behind him, the corgi nudged Todd violently, causing Todd to yelp.

Pushing aside a couple of branches, Dirk emerged on one side of a bridge, the other side of which held a beautiful town, with a castle on top of a hill. He let out a silent scream of joy and turned back to show his glee to Todd before he ran onto the bridge. 

Todd followed after him with a smile, until his face fell upon seeing another wanted poster of himself. He pulled it off of the bridge wall and crumpled it up before shoving it into the corgi’s mouth. The corgi only spit it back at him, angrily. Todd shoved her, and she shoved back, and it looked like they were just about to brawl when an angry meow shook them out of it. They both looked up to see Jaws, perched on top of Dirk’s head, meowing irritably at them. Both huffing irately, they stopped, though they each managed to get in one last nudge. 

The town in front of Dirk’s eyes was magnificent. People were walking every which way, talking to each other, merchants were selling their wares, and the whole town was decorated with banners with the sun on them dedicated to the missing princess Lydia. 

Dirk started forward and was nearly run over by a cart, then as he stepped backwards he bumped into a woman and then almost himself ran over some geese. 

“Sorry! Sorry!” he exclaimed as he continued to bump into people, seemingly unable to stop himself. “Ow!” He was pulled back as people stepped on his hair. He turned around to start gathering it up when he noticed Todd doing the same thing on the other side of where his hair ended. Together they met in the middle, each holding about half of Dirk’s hair. Todd frowned and looked around, and at the same time, he and Dirk spotted a line of young girls who were braiding each others’ hair. Todd whistled to them and they looked over, their faces lighting up as Todd held up all of Dirk’s hair.

Soon, the girls were having fun braiding Dirk’s long hair as Dirk sat with a smile. He looked over to smile at Todd just as Todd ducked away from the views of a couple of palace guards. 

When Todd looked back up, Dirk was standing, and his hair had been braided so it didn’t touch the floor anymore, and there were flowers placed all around the golden locks. 

“Wow, thank you!” Dirk was saying to the girls, twirling around to look at his own hair. 

Todd gazed at him, a faraway smile upon his face. Dirk looked… Well, he looked beautiful. So beautiful, that the very sight of him was giving Todd multitudes of butterflies in his stomach. The corgi nudged him and barked at him, wagging her tail, and Todd rolled his eyes and pushed her away, a blush rising to his cheeks.

Dirk ran back up to him at that moment and grabbed his hand to drag him around all of the shops on the busy street, saying hello to every shopkeeper and tasting every free sample. 

While they were in line for some bread that Dirk wanted to get, Dirk looked over and saw a strange book in the front window of the bookshop next door. 

MYSTERIES OF THE KINGDOM OF SEATTELON

_ What Really Happened To The Cjelli’s? _

The Cjelli’s… That was the second time Dirk had heard that name in the past couple of days, and it gave him just as much of a strange feeling now as it had the first time. Dirk left Todd in the line and went into the bookshop, picking up the book to read the inside cover.

_ “The Cjelli family was a family like any other in the Kingdom of Seattelon. Mihail Cjelli, his wife Adrianna, and their baby, Svlad. One day, however, the couple was found dead, their baby boy nowhere to be seen. What are the theories surrounding the Cjelli mystery? Read on to find out.” _

Dirk’s eyes narrowed in on the name  _ Svlad.  _ His gut seemed to twist uncomfortably at the sight of the name. Why did it seem so familiar? Maybe Todd was right, he should work on solving older mysteries of the town, starting with this one. It was definitely a matter to look into after they found Princess Lydia, though. He put the book back and hurried back outside to get back to Todd, who had just bought the bread and was now looking around for Dirk. He raised an eyebrow as Dirk went up to him, and Dirk shrugged, gesturing to the bookstore to signify to Todd that he had gotten distracted. Todd shrugged as well, figuring this to be a fair excuse. 

Dirk looked around when he heard music playing with a small gasp. Todd furrowed his brow as Dirk ran over to a small child and pulled them out into the square to dance as the child let out a gleeful laugh. He then ran around, pulling random townspeople into the dance as well until a large group had formed, all dancing joyfully to the music. Dirk beckoned for Todd to joined, but Todd waved a hand in dismissal, not wanting to show off his incredibly bad dancing skills. The corgi had other ideas, though, and she rammed into him from the back so hard that he stumbled forward and onto the dancefloor. Every time Dirk and Todd tried to get close enough to dance with each other, however, they were pulled away by different partners. They finally managed to find each other right as the song ended, and they stood there for a moment, hands clasped together, inches apart, looking at each other breathlessly. 

“To the boats!” someone shouted, and Dirk looked around excitedly, letting go of Todd. They had heard earlier in the day that the entire village was going to go out onto the lake later and light lanterns for the missing princess, and Dirk hopped in excitement at the notion of participating.

“Let’s go!” he shouted to Todd, grabbing his hand once again and dragging him towards the lake, with Jaws and the corgi trailing close behind.


	15. I See The Light

Todd looked back at the corgi as he rowed Dirk out onto the lake.

“Hey Rapunzel!” he called, before tossing a bag of sausages to her. The corgi looked suspiciously from the sausages, back to Todd. “What?” Todd asked. “I bought them.” Seeming satisfied, the corgi dug in, gulping up the sausages with glee. “Most of them,” Todd added as an afterthought, causing the corgi to freeze and glance warily down at what she was eating. 

“Where are we going?” Dirk asked, narrowing his eyes.

“Well,” said Todd as he rowed. “Best day of your life, I figured you should have a decent seat.” He lifted Jaws off of his shirt and put her down in the boat. They rowed out to the middle of the large lake, so that they could see the entire hill on which the village and the castle lay. Todd had heard that they were going to start releasing the lanterns from the castle, and then the whole island was going to light up and send the lanterns right over to where Dirk and Todd sat in their boat. Todd couldn’t wait to see Dirk’s face when they were surrounded by light. 

As they were sitting next to each other in silence, waiting for the show to start, Todd heard Dirk sigh and looked around. 

“You okay?” he asked.

“I’m terrified,” Dirk answered, quietly. 

“Why?”

“I’ve been looking out a window for eighteen years, dreaming of what it might feel like when I finally solve a case. What if it’s not everything that I dreamt it would be?” Dirk looked up at the sky, blinking back tears.

“It will be,” said Todd with an assuring smile. Dirk smiled back, though his eyes were still wary.

“And what if it is? What do I do then?”

“Well that’s the good part I guess. You get to go find a new dream.” Todd looked at him, and Dirk let out a quiet laugh. Todd looked back at the castle and nudged Dirk to get his attention. Dirk looked as well and gasped.

It started, as Todd had been told, from the castle. The light spread from the top of the hill to the bottom as all of the village residents lit their lanterns and sent them floating into the air towards the lake. 

As Dirk watched, his heart clenched in his chest, filling his body with emotions. 

_ All those days watching from the window, all those years outside looking in. All that time never even knowing just how blind I’ve been.  _

He moved to the very edge of the boat, looking up at the lights with wide eyes.

_ Now I’m here, blinking in the starlight. Now I’m here, suddenly I see. Standing here, it’s oh so clear, I’m where I’m meant to be. _

The lights filled the sky like stars, rising up from the island and the boats surrounding it. It was the most beautiful thing Dirk had ever seen.

_ And at last I see the light, and it’s like the fog has lifted. And at last I see the light, and it’s like the sky is new. And it’s warm and real and bright, and the world has somehow shifted. All at once, everything looks different, now that I see you. _

He turned to look at Todd, to find him holding two lit lanterns. His heart leapt and he went to go sit down with him.

“I have something for you, too,” he said, before reaching down and taking out the satchel with the machine in it. He saw Todd’s eyes widen a bit. “I should have given it to you before, but I was just scared. And the thing is, I’m not scared anymore. You know what I mean?”

Todd reached out for the bag, but to Dirk’s surprise, he pushed it away.

“I’m starting to.”

As Todd looked into Dirk’s eyes, he finally realized what he had been feeling every time he looked at him. His stomach seemed to flip over as he thought about it. He was in love. He grinned as he handed a lantern to Dirk and they lifted their lanterns up into the air, releasing them into the sky with all the others.

_ All those days chasing down a daydream, all those years living in a blur. All that time never truly seeing things the way they were. _

Todd watched the lanterns for a little bit before looking back at Dirk.

_ Now he’s here, shining in the starlight. Now he’s here, suddenly I know. If he’s here, it’s crystal clear, I’m where I’m meant to go. _

Feeling emboldened, he reached down to take Dirk’s hand, causing the other man to look at him. What Todd didn’t expect, however, is for Dirk to take his other hand as well.

_ And at last I see the light, and it’s like the fog is lifted. And at last I see the light, and it’s like the sky is new. And it’s warm and real and bright, and the world has somehow shifted. _

Todd squeezed Dirk’s hands with his own and smiled.

_ All at once, everything is different, now that I see you. _

Dirk and Todd leaned closer together, gazing into each others’ eyes, Dirk’s eyes shining and full of wonder and Todd’s eyes full of love.

_ Now that I see you. _

Todd brushed a strand of hair away from Dirk’s face and cupped his cheek, leaning in. He paused, however, when he saw a strange light on the shore of the lake behind Dirk. The light of this lantern was glowing green, instead of the warm yellow that surrounded them. And the person who was attached to the lantern…  _ Bart.  _ With Ken right next to her. Together, they looked right at Todd before walking away.

“Is… everything okay?” asked Dirk, tilting his head to the side. 

“Huh?” Todd sat up straighter, not looking at Dirk. “Oh, yes!” He looked back at Dirk, taking his hand. “Yes of course, I just…” He glanced at the satchel that was sitting next to Dirk, and decided then what he would do. What he had to do.


	16. The Betrayal

Todd helped the boat to the shore with Dirk still inside, trying to reassure both Dirk and himself that everything was going to be alright. 

“I’m sorry. Everything is fine,” he said, picking up the satchel. “There’s just something I have to take care of.” Dirk paused for an uncomfortably long time, glancing between Todd and the satchel.

“Okay,” he said finally, with a trusting smile on his face. 

“I’ll be right back,” said Todd, taking a few steps backwards before turning around and walking towards where he had seen Bart and Ken disappear. 

Jaws jumped onto Dirk’s shoulder and looked at him.

“It’s alright, Jaws,” said Dirk. Though as he looked back at where Todd had walked away, he felt uneasy.

Todd approached Bart, who was sitting on a rock and sharpening a long dagger.

“There you are!” he said cheerily. “I’ve been searching everywhere for you guys since we got separated. You, uh, you look nice, Bart. Your hair looks great.” Her hair, in fact, look like she had murdered several squirrels and cut off their tails and placed them on her head. She raised an eyebrow at Todd, who cleared his throat awkwardly. “Anyhow, I just wanted to say, I shouldn’t have split, the machine is all yours.” He tossed the satchel to Bart. “I’ll miss ya, but I think it’s for the--” He turned around to leave and walked straight into Ken. “Best.”

“Holding out on us again?” asked Bart, narrowing her big eyes at Todd in an incredulous pout. 

“What?” Todd asked, turning back, confused. 

“We’s hearing you found something way more valuable than a machine,” Bart said, standing up and beginning to walk over to Todd, dagger in hand. “We want him instead.”

Dirk stood by the boat, waiting anxiously for Todd to return. He saw a figure appearing from the shadows and sighed in relief. 

“I was starting to think you ran off with the machine and left me,” he said with a smile. His face fell, however, as the figure came closer and split into two people, whom he barely recognized from the fiasco after the tavern. 

“He did,” said Ken with a smirk. 

“What?” Dirk asked, stepping back, his heart sinking rapidly in his chest. “No. He wouldn’t.” 

“See for yourself.” Ken gestured towards the water where, a ways away through the mist, Dirk could see the outline of Todd sailing away in a small boat. 

“Todd…? Todd!”

“Fair trade,” said Ken, coming up behind Dirk. “A machine, for the boy with the magic hair. How much do you think someone would pay to stay young and healthy forever?”

“No!” Dirk yelled as Bart brandished a bag in which she was wholly prepared to throw Dirk in. Dirk ran away, towards where Todd had walked to, terrified for his life. His hair caught on a stick and he thought it was over, but then he heard screams and slashing noises coming from where he had just left. He stopped, listening intently.

Just as Bart had been about to chase after Dirk, people in dark uniforms had swarmed the area, all brandishing weapons and pointing them at Bart and Ken. Bart backed up, moving protectively in front of Ken. She knew who this was. This was Blackwing. Riggins had betrayed them. He had betrayed her, and they had come to take her back to that place. She could fight them easily, she knew, but if she did that, then they would likely kill Ken. She couldn’t let anything happen to her friend. She would be able to fight her own way through without getting Ken killed probably, but that would mean leaving Ken to the mercy of Blackwing. Swallowing a lump in her throat, she steeled herself for what she must do.

After a few minutes, in which several slashes and screams were heard, Dirk heard his own name being called. Or, what some people consider his name.

“Icarus!”

It was his father.

“Father…?” Dirk walked back over to where he had left Bart and Ken, only to find a rather horrifying scene. Ken was in chains, but Bart was nowhere to be seen. Instead, she had left a trail of bodies behind her as she had run into the woods. And in the middle of the whole scene, stood Riggins.

“Icarus. My boy.” Riggins smiled and opened his arms to his son. Dirk, his entire body filling with relief, ran to him and hugged him tightly. “Are you alright? Are you hurt?” Riggins asked, pushing Dirk away to hold him by the shoulders. 

“Father, what… How did you get all these people--”

“I was so worried about you, son,” said Riggins. “So I followed you. And I saw them attack you.” He sighed and pulled Dirk in for another hug before pulling back again. “Let’s go home.”

Dirk nodded and let Riggins pull him away, but not before looking back to where Todd floated on his boat in the water. He felt a pang in his heart at the sight. Todd had betrayed him. His father really did know best, after all. He felt a tear slide down his cheek as he turned back to Riggins.

“You were right, father. You were right about everything.” 

“I know, son. I know.”


	17. Captured

When Todd came to, he was tied up and sitting on a boat. And, to make matters even worse, he was staring up into the face of none other than Gordon Rimmer. 

“Dirk,” he muttered, groggily, before his brain caught up with his reality and he gasped. “Dirk!” He struggled against his restraints. 

“I’ve been waiting for you for a long time,” said Rimmer, looking malevolently at Todd. Todd gulped as he looked up at Rimmer. Rimmer stared at him for another moment before suddenly lifting up his arms. “What is going on” he asked, incredulously. “Who are you? Did King Patrick hire you? If not, then what are you? Are you a detective? No! Because you’re a-- you’re a thief! You stole the machine and your wanted poster is everywhere! And your friend! He’s who? What-- the CIA? No? Then how does the CIA figure into this? Who killed Ed? How did you know that the machine was gonna be in that room? Where’s the kitten?”

“The--” Rimmer groaned before Todd could ask  _ ‘kitten?’ _

“Where’s my dog?” He asked, angrily. “Who has my dog right now? Is it Farah Black? Does Farah Black have my dog? How many different sets of guys are in this situation? How does King Patrick be in two places at the same time?” The man looked truly desperate. Todd just stared at him, helplessly. 

“I-- I don’t, uh…” Todd tried and failed to keep track of all of the questions he had just been asked. “Sorry, I guess I like, can answer four of those questions total if I’m being honest.”

“But you and your friend were there!”

“Where?”

“At the castle! When you stole the machine and we captured the princess, you were both there!”

_ Both?  _ Was he talking about Dirk? That was impossible, how could Dirk have been there, too? Unless he had been lying for some reason, Dirk had never left that tower before Todd had climbed up it and found him. 

Unnoticed by either of them, the corgi was standing just nearby, hidden safely under a bush and listening to the entire conversation. 

A few hours later, Todd was pacing in a cell in some weird facility that he guessed probably housed animals. He had to get out, he had to save Dirk. But he had absolutely no idea how. He looked over as Rimmer opened the cell door and stepped inside with two of his goons trailing behind him. 

“Well? Let’s get going!” Rimmer barked. 

“Where are we going?” asked Todd, warily.

“That’s the fun part,” Rimmer said with a chuckle. “See, we’re gonna use our machine to put you in the body of a mouse. And then we’re gonna put Zed inside of you.” Todd gaped at him.

“That’s what the machine is for? You… you switch people with animals? That’s… that’s insane!”

  
  


“There. It never happened,” said Riggins as he took the last flower out of Dirk’s hair and dropped it into the basket. “Now wash up for dinner. I’m making hazelnut soup.” He smiled warmly as he took the basket out of Dirk’s room, but paused to look back at the boy before going downstairs. He sighed at the melancholy look on Dirk’s face. “I really did try, Icarus. I tried to warn you what was out there. The world is dark, and selfish, and cruel. If it finds even the slightest ray of sunshine, it destroys it.” And with that he left, leaving Dirk to sit silently on the bed.

Dirk looked to where his father had accidentally left the satchel on the floor next to his bed before leaving. He frowned as a feeling in his gut told him to check out the machine one more time. He got up and went to go take the machine out of the satchel, examining it carefully. He needed to get it to work. He didn’t know what it would do, but he needed it to do it, whatever “it” was. And what did he do with things that didn’t work?

Feeling determined, Dirk wrapped his hair around the machine.

“ _ Flower, gleam and glow, let your power shine. Make the clock reverse, bring back what once was mine. Heal what has been hurt, change the Fates’ design. Save what has been lost, bring back what once was mine, what once was mine.” _

The machine began to whir as electricity crackled around it. It glowed for one second, the glow enveloping Dirk and mingling with the glow from his hair, and then suddenly the machine was gone. And so was Dirk. 


	18. Back To The Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk travels back in time to see what really happened to Princess Lydia, and meets both some allies and some enemies along the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is so late, I haven't had any free time since like July. But I will finish this fic if it's the last thing I do!!  
NOTE: this is the chapter with violence!!! because Dirk Gently is a violent show!!!

When Dirk opened his eyes, he was in… exactly the same place he had been before. He stood up, brushing his hair out of his face, and looked around. He heard movement coming from downstairs, and someone… singing? It definitely wasn’t his father’s voice. He crept out of his room and onto the landing, peering down into the main room. Sitting over in the corner and painting a picture on the wall was, unmistakably, himself.

Dirk darted back into his room, his heart pounding. He-- the other him, the one downstairs-- had been painting clothes onto his self-portrait, what he had been doing the other morning. Dirk turned slowly to look back at the machine. Could it be…? King Patrick’s machine was… a time machine. 

Thinking hard, Dirk carefully placed the machine back into the satchel and slung it over his shoulder. This must have been around the time that Princess Lydia had gone missing, meaning that if he booked it to the castle now, he would be able to see what had happened to her. He went to the window, draped his hair over the hook and, feeling determined, swung himself down from the tower.

Dirk managed to make it into town in record time, so fast, in fact that the author is choosing to ignore the laws of physics at this time. He quickly made his way up to the castle and was just about to look around, wondering what to do next when he spotted a man in a full suit of armor stomping up towards the castle as well. 

“Hello!” Dirk called, having a hunch that he should approach the man. The man turned, brandishing his scissor sword threateningly. Dirk took a frightened step back, but upon seeing Dirk’s face, the man lowered his sword and opened his visor to reveal his own face.

“King Patrick?” asked Dirk, for that was who the man clearly was. But Patrick appeared to recognize Dirk, as well.

“Mihail?” Patrick looked as if he had seen a ghost as he stepped towards Dirk, who froze at the mention of the strange name that felt so familiar. “Mihail Cjelli, is that you?”

“I don’t--” Dirk shook his head, his heart pounding again. “I’m sorry, I don’t know who that is. Look, King Patrick, I used your machine--” He took it out of the satchel to show him. Patrick looked between Dirk and the machine and understanding seemed to dawn on his face.

“You-- You must be the boy,” he said, raising a shaking, armored finger at Dirk. “What… what happened?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Dirk, although he felt as though he really, really should. “Listen, I’m trying to save your daughter.”

This stopped King Patrick in his tracks.

“My daughter?”

“Yes,” said Dirk, getting agitated. “She’s missing, and I came back in time to solve the case!”

“Missing?” Patrick growled. “It had to have been those blasted Men of the Machine. I came forward in time eighteen years to try and stop them.”

“So you’re from the past?” Dirk gaped at him. Patrick nodded.

“And you’re from the future.” Now it was Dirk’s turn to nod. “What’s your name, then?”

“My name is Dirk Gently,” said Dirk. “I’m a private detective and we need to go save your daughter.” He turned and started to head towards the castle, but had to slow down when he noticed how sluggishly Patrick was moving behind him in his suit of armor. “Why did you wear that?” Dirk asked.

“Shut up,” Patrick retorted.

They made their way up to the castle and went inside, turned a corner, and immediately ran into… King Patrick again.

“There you are,” Patrick from the present said, much to the surprise of Dirk and Pastrick. “They took Lydia this way. Come on.”

“Oh, you remember this happening, don’t you?” asked Dirk as Presentrick pulled them along down the hallway. “Because he--” He pointed to Pastrick. “Was you, eighteen years ago!”

Neither one of the Patricks acknowledged what Dirk had said, presumably thinking it obvious and instead just continued to walk. They soon reached a room, and Presentrick swung open the door to find Gordon Rimmer and his goons hooking Princess Lydia up to their machine. To Dirk’s surprise, the corgi that had been chasing Todd was attached to the other end.

What happened next, happened very quickly.

Rimmer turned on the machine at the same time that one of the bald men turned and saw Dirk and the Patricks. He shot a harpoon at Presentrick which hit him squarely in the shoulder. It was attached to some kind of string, which Pastrick grabbed, and a good thing too, because the thug sent a wave of electricity down the string, which Pastrick ended up getting the brunt of. Dirk let out a yelp as both Patricks fell to the floor. Meanwhile, to Dirk’s absolute astonishment, Lydia and the corgi had switched bodies. Now, Princess Lydia was inside of the corgi!

Rimmer was trying to wrangle Lydia the corgi, and was failing epically at it. Lydia bit Rimmer on the hand and used his momentary distraction to run from the room.

“The goddamn dog bit me!” Rimmer shouted, holding his injured hand. “Get her!”

“What about them?” asked one of the bald thugs, pointing at Dirk and the Patricks. Dirk, who was kneeling over Presentrick, recoiled in fear. 

“Argh, forget them!” said Rimmer, leading corgi-who-was-inside-Lydia to the door. “Get me my goddamn dog back!”

Some of the men grabbed their machine as the group hurried out the door, leaving Dirk and the Patricks behind on the floor.

“King Patrick! What-- what can I do?” Dirk panicked, not knowing how to deal with either Patrick’s injuries.

“I’ll be fine,” said Presentrick, putting pressure on where he had been shot. “I have palace doctors on the way here right now. But you, Dirk Gently, you must save Lydia.”

“Yes, we must,” said Pastrick, letting out a groan as he fought to sit up. “We’ll go to the future to Dirk’s time, and then--”

“Not you,” said Presentrick. “Only Dirk must go.”

“What? But--” Patrick tried to protest, but Presentrick cut him off.

“You are too injured, my friend. Dirk can go back to the future and save Lydia.”

“Me?” Dirk asked nervously. “But--”

“Go and solve the case, Dirk Gently,” said Presentrick. Dirk’s jaw set into a determined line and he nodded. He was a detective, and a detective must solve the case.

“First, though,” Pastrick said, looking between Presentrick and Dirk. “The boy needs to know.”

“Yes, he does,” agreed Presentrick.

“Give me the machine you have in your satchel,” said Pastrick, and Dirk got the time machine out of his bag. Pastrick took it and began to tinker with it.

“Dirk,” said Presentrick, causing Dirk to look back over to him. “The name you were born with, was Svlad Cjelli.”

Dirk’s mind reeled. There was that name again, the name he felt so connected to, and yet disconnected from at the same time. His name?

“I knew your father, Mihail,” Presentrick was still talking. “You look just like him, it’s uncanny. You need to see what happened to them.”

Pastrick handed the machine back to Dirk.

“I put the date in there,” he said. “The date you went missing. The date…” He took a small, shuddering breath. “The date your mother and father were killed.” Dirk took the machine from him and stared at it, trying to understand. “I need to go back to my own time now,” Pastrick said.

“Go,” said Presentrick. “See what happened to your family. Then go back to the future and save my daughter.”

“I will,” Dirk said, his voice shaking.

“Good luck,” said both Patricks as Dirk pressed a button on the machine, and disappeared.

When Dirk next opened his eyes, the Patricks were gone, and he felt a pull from the Universe more strongly than he ever had before. He sprinted out of the castle, following the pull until it led him to a cottage. He heard a scream from inside and rushed to the window to peer inside.

The first person he laid eyes on was a woman with a short stature and mousy brown hair. She had been thrown to the floor by one of the men that had swarmed into the house, and Dirk’s heart clenched as he noticed that the men looked exactly like the men who had swarmed Bart and Ken.

“Adrianna! No!”

Dirk’s eyes found the man who had shouted, and his heart stopped.

It was as though he was looking into a mirror. Other than the small lines signifying the man’s age, his face looked exactly the same as Dirk’s. His hair was short and brown, and he was carrying a baby in his arms. A baby with beautiful, golden hair. Dirk’s stomach did a somersault as he realized that the baby must be himself.

Another man walked into the room then. He wasn’t in full gear like the rest of the bad men, but he was clearly with them. He approached the woman on the floor, letting out a small giggle as he raised his scissor sword.

“Lights out,” he said.

The other man, Dirk’s real father, screamed as the bad man sliced through the woman, and Dirk had to clap his hands over his mouth to stifle his own noise of horror.

“No… No!” Dirk’s father shouted as the men then tried to take baby Dirk from him by force. “No, you can’t take him, please!” He sobbed as baby Dirk-- Svlad, Dirk mentally corrected himself-- was ripped from his arms and he was forced to the ground on his knees.

“You want to take this one, Hugo?” the man who had killed the woman asked, and another man stepped forward. Dirk cursed himself for thinking this one was attractive.

“Why are you doing this?” Dirk’s father-- Mihail, Dirk remembered-- asked as the attractive one approached him. The man shrugged.

“I’m just doing my job,” he said. And with a snip of his scissor sword, Mihail fell to the ground, dead. Tears were pouring from Dirk’s eyes, but he couldn’t look away, he needed to see what happened to the baby. He needed to be sure.

“Colonel,” said the first man, taking the baby from the man who had grabbed it. “Project Icarus has been secured.”

To Dirk’s absolute horror, the man whom the baby was handed to was none other than Colonel Riggins.

“Thank you, Mr. Priest,” said the Colonel. Dirk staggered backwards, away from the window, falling to the ground, reeling from what he had seen. He reached into the satchel and took the machine back out, knowing that he had to move quickly, so as not to be found by Blackwing. He had trouble moving the dials because his hands were shaking so badly, but he eventually managed to enter the right date. Feeling terrified, yet also with a determination like he had never felt before, he pressed the button, and disappeared.


End file.
